If you didn't know a few years ago my dad left the army. Before that we moved about a little. I lived in Germany till I was eight and we moved once within the country. Then we moved to Norfolk where I first learnt about bullies and how mean people can be. Then we moved to Cambridgeshire where I went to the same secondary school and college.
I know I'm lucky compared to some army brats who get moved more times than that. But it's still effected me I think. I find it surprisingly easy to move on when a friendship ends. I figure it because I've had to move or see others move in the army barracks', so I'm just used to it. When I left secondary school it was easy to just forget those I'd known and move to college. Helped that I realised how much nicer friends were meant to be.
But now that my college friends are all in University. It's happening again. I'm finding it easy to move forward. I mean, I get sad about it. But it's life. I'm used to this and just get on with it.
I'm not trying to say I have something big like trust issues, I don't. But to certain extent I'm cynically aware that everyone will leave me in some shape or form. I avoid investing myself too much in people and while I don't want to be alone. The idea of it doesn't bother me too greatly. Because I guess I've had it at different points in my life.
The first time we moved that I was aware of was from Germany to England. I don't remember specifics, but I knew it hurt. Then moving from Norfolk re-opened the wound even more. It was strange moving from secondary school to college. I knew it was meant to viewed as a normal transition. But I got the feeling it affected others more than me. For me it really was normal.
And now moving into work and leaving my college friends in the past is the same as that. It's not like their going out of their way to contact me anyway. But my best friend from secondary school keeps trying to bring us together, even though I'm really struggling to think of her as a best friend anymore. Yes, that's harsh. But I can't help it. Her life has been spent in one place, with the same group of friends that followed her to secondary school and college. She had to move but that was when she was a teenager and it wasn't far enough away that she had to switch schools.
I have no clue how to begin to explain to her that it just feels natural to drift away from her. And that her continuous asking me to see her annoys me. I would put more effort in if she seemed more interested in my stuff but she isn't really. And I'm not interested in hers. So I don;t understand why she's dragging this out. We've become very different and I've had the moment of complete hurt over the thing. It was like a horrible flashback, but it's over. I'm over it. Is that wrong?
That I can cut someone out of my life so easily? I'm used to people turning their backs on me because I'm too odd or too intense or whatever, but she's done nothing wrong, not really. Gah, my heads too confused and I'm going back to writing more Blood City. That's my self-defence, going to another world. But writing was something I would've never thought to explore it if it hadn't been for her. But even she's abandoned that. And she doesn't understand my obsession with it. That, more than anything, bothers me.