It's funny what happens after a fight. Your so mad and pissed off with how insensitive your parents are. Then when it's over you realise how misdirected your anger actually is. Though I will still say my dad was a little in the wrong. Because even if he's right that an employer may hesitate before hiring me because I'm about to receive cognitive based therapy to help with all my issues (at figgin last!).
There was no point telling me. It doesn't change the fact that I'm going to get it. Hell, I need it. Hopefully I'll finally get to the bottom of so many things. Be able to fully get on with life and tell my past to take a major hike.
But yes, odd how quickly it changes. Me and my dad both know he doesn't know how to react to this. He can accept I have SAD (seasonal affected disorder) but the idea that I have full-blown depression confuses him. He doesn't see how I can when my life is okay. As if I didn't feel guilty enough about my mind. He thinks he's helping when he says there are others who have it worse. But that just reminds how ungrateful I'm being by having all this crap I can't control.
I don't understand when I get so upset randomly that I have to cry myself to sleep. I don't know why I get these horrible desires to scratch away my skin. Though I will say I've gone about two months now without doing it. It takes some getting used to having my parents aware of it. Having my dad say “well done” for not scratching feels weird. Surely I should've just never started in the first place. I don't know.
A common factor with me it seems.
And somehow the conversation went onto god, which is just plain weird. I find it odd that my dad can still believe in something when he's been to warzones and seen things I could never imagine. Yet me with one event that happened when I was 11 and a boatload of bullies throughout secondary school who acted like friends, not to mention a really sucky first serious relationship. Somehow that recipe equals depression. Makes no sense. Some people say it's genes, that some of us are pre-disposed to it all. And while it's nice to have an explanation it just makes me feel worse. I have to wonder why I should continue to bother fighting if this is something in my genes.
I actually have no idea where I'm going with this rant, just ranting, ha.
I'm hoping to write some stuff up here once I start the counselling. And I’m sure there'll be lots of lyrics coming your way when I do start it. I said to my dad that I was annoyed that mum was trying to convince that the guy from when I was 11 was just a ignorant boy who didn't know what he was doing. I'm annoyed by it because I need to hate someone. I know it's not logical or mentally sound, I've always thought that was weird phase....Anywho!
He just asked why I needed to hate someone. And I had no way to answer him. I seem to take any anger out on my mum and dad. But I'm not all in the wrong, my mum gives as good as she gets.
And I have no clue where to go with this thing anymore, so I'm going to shut up.
Have a less pessimistic line of thought guys!