Prove MyselfMature

I've always wondered where the perfectionist in me came from. Then I realised when a phrase stumbled from my mouth out of nowhere. “Prove Myself.” It seems it's something I've always been trying to do. So I try to figure out why, what the cause was, and I remembered something.

It was during year ten, we were getting the results back for our first two science module exams. (There were a few and the results added together to make our final grade) A few months before we'd received out predicted results, mine had been two C's. I had immediately gone to the teacher and said I intended to get A's, would they change it? They said no but that they were glad I was aiming high. The same teacher I'd told I wanted A's to walked into the class as we were receiving the results to congratulate me. I'd managed to prove them wrong and got two A's. One was a near-miss B but I didn't care at the time. Though I didn't really know how to respond when one of the teachers hugged me. In front of the class, not that the other students cared. I was kind of the known science nerd in my class I guess. They would always ask me for help and answers. By this point I wasn't being bullied anymore and people accepted me, sure I heard side-comments. But generally we'd all matured enough to get along.

Anyway, back to my story. I went home and told my dad who was over the moon, I think he'd expected C's like the teachers. In hindsight this was probably part of why he worked so hard to steer me towards sciences .(That blew up in his face, but another time for that story)
He went on about getting mum to buy a cake when she came back from work and while I had no clue how to react to the suggestion, I was happy for it. I faltered at the thought of mum though. I didn't want to go shopping with her as soon as she got home from work, she'd be tired and snappy and it would suck the fun out of it.

Mum got home and I told her the news. She said well done in a monotone voice and walked off. Now before when that was her response I hadn't really cared, usually it was average achievements. But I had just got two A's. I had hoped she might be a little happier. But nothing, zip. When dad suggested going to the shops she made a loud moan and said she was tired. I told dad not to worry and that I didn't need cake, I was happy with my A's and walked upstairs. I sat on my bed until I eventually fell asleep. I didn't cry or anything. By this point I was used to mum and her ways. It was a few weeks later that did it. When she was head over heel with my brother for managing something so simple I can't even remember what it was.

I didn't yell or scream, throw a tantrum, though I really wanted too. Because I didn't want to spoil my brothers day. But my eyes met my dads and I could see he noticed it too. It's not exactly uncommon for us to have sneaky discussions on the stairs about how difficult mum is and how she clearly prefers my brother. It's so commonplace now we both even make side comments while they're both in the room. My brother seems to nothing it, but my mum gets very indignant sometimes. And I have to fight not laugh at her, or cry or shout. Mostly I just shrug and go upstairs.

So as you can guess the two A's was when I gave up trying to prove myself to her. So why do I still try so hard to prove myself to complete strangers? Some of whom I know aren't even worth the effort, people I meet randomly online through a game or something, who clearly are just mean to everyone.
Well, old habits die hard I guess, I doubt I'll stop being this way anytime soon.

The End

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