Birds of Paradise, smiles and alibis
Heard by no one on the shores of Loch Lomond.
I love Steve Hackett. He's my artist of the present. I'm so full of hate and jealousy. I shouted at a silent and unseeing mi amor just now. He's gone.
He's left to play with the guys. Crackdown 2 aparently. Well la-di-da!! That's so cool, like OMG. You and they guys get to talk while you play a game. That's totally fucking awesome. BUT FUCK YOU ALL THE SAME. I'm jealous of them to an extent I can't truly describe.
He has friends. Loads of them. Really close ones. He has friends at Uni, 6th form guys and The Guys. And they get to hear from each other and play on games together. And what am I doing? Revising for an exam I fear I will fail and not revising for an exam I know I will fail because I'm revising for this bloody one.
And I asked him a question.
He didn't answer obviously. Too busy setting up his fucking xbox and then he left. I asked him, "Should I wait for you?"
Basically, ever evening, he goes and plays xbox, I do something like revise, play a solo game, whatever. Then it gets to 11 at night and he comes back. Then he goes to bed.
Last night, he was playing til 12:30. And I was waiting for him. I am still tired because of it.
ARGH! Now I feel selfish. He came to church this morning all the way from his home just for me and he got up in front of church for me. Now I'm treating him like dirt. Well that's just fucking great. I hate what he does and I hate what I do. I just want to sleep and never wake up again. I would at least escape my own retarded brain.
I need a pack. A place in society to call my own. He has that. I don't. He didn't totally understand what I was trying to tell him earlier. I tried to explain but he didn't fully comprehend.
I can't blame him, he often gets confused. Then at the same time, I just wanna cry and hit something really really hard until it buckles beneath my hands.