That's bullshit man. You have hundreds of friends. You have listed 40+ people who you can count on to be there for you when you're upset or in trouble or just need someone to talk to.
The problem is comparisons.
You look at other people and they have groups of friends, people who are always like, "Eeeeey look who it is! Pull up a doughnut and si'down." Regular banter, easy chatting, chilling with mates, at ease. The feeling of belonging to something. A pack.
The year 11s were my pack, now it's no more. People left, people joined then left again. People got upset, people broke up, people have other things going on, people have other friends. We're not a pack any more. Even if there was a small pack left, it's not like I count.
I don't have time at school to be with my friends. They're always doing something and I'm always doing something. The difference is that they do things together. I'm the only musical one left. My three musician friends are gone now. School isn't what it used to be but I can't keep wishing they were all back. I do theorize that being at school is what makes me so grouchy. Every time I go, I come back and I'm horrible to mi amor. At the weekends, I'm usually fine, or at least, I'm better than the dark side.
I hear mi amor's guys and I hear about what him and the uni guys get up to. I'm so jealous. I want that. I've always wanted that. To be able to fall in with a pack of my own and just Be. To stop my constant floating about from group to group. I don't belong any where as I belong to everywhere.
I belong to everywhere. But I don't want to any more.
I want a pack. To be with a group that doesn't desert its members, even unintentionally. That sticks together without even realizing it.
I don't even have that one person I can totally open up to. I could open up to mi amor but only when I see him in person and even then that would be wasting our precious time.
Lots of people have a "best friend" who they match up to like pieces of a pie (jigsaws suck) and everyone can see it well. Some people's best friends are blurred as they have many or are in a group.
Many many people don't have a person like that, same as me. They seem to get on just fine. DON'T TELL ME I SHOULD TOO.
I don't want to be without that person. It makes me sound like a selfish bitch but it's true. I don't want to be those people. Selfish whore, doesn't even take into account that those people may not want that either. But I can't think about other people any more, I don't have the energy. I'm selfishly yearning for a society to call my own.
I want to go out with my mates, have a laugh, get together for parties, game together, get to know people. I don't want to be drifting from group to group with no real post tying me to one in particular. Even when I was talking to a friend, I saw a friend from a different pack and I drifted off to talk with her for a little bit and by the time I'd turned back to my first friend, I was too late to join in the group again so I had to drift off again. It's not fair!
I don't want to be a ghost. I wanna be a part of something.
Don't tell me I am part of something cos I DAMN DON'T FEEL LIKE I AM.