it wouldn't happen if it didn't happen before

when you are sad it is harder
than you think to let people
know how you are feeling

it all makes sense in your head
and you can feel it as a poem
ebbing and whirling in your mind

but it's not

you begin to talk but you freeze
like ice and you realise there's
nothing to say and there's no words

even if there were words
would there be any point in 
talking when nobody understands?

it's sad when you're sad
you're sad because you're alone
and you're alone because you're sad

it's like this paradox that keeps
shocking you back into the same
eternal moment of pallid grief

grief over nothing and grief
that makes you sick to your 
core because it doesn't even 

exist

sometimes you wonder if 
it's all just a trick in your 
stupid little head 

something that you've made up
because you're too weak to cope
with reality whilst everyone else is fine

everyone else is coping and they
are smiling their happy smiles and 
so are you, you think, you think 

you think, I'm doing fine

and then it hits home when you're
all alone and you're cold and it's
the wind hitting your face

it's that same biting kind of wind when
you step out at 6am and you can feel
the rosiness in your face already

and it's rising to the top of your lungs
crawling up the back of your throat
idling bitterly on your tongue 

and here it is now it's flowing and 
you're talking to them and this river of 
words and thoughts and feelings drown you

and you think oh no i'm drowning them
too and you've killed them because you
are selfish selfish selfish

and then you stop

and you think

and you look around

and there is nobody there

The End

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