I’m not really sure what to do about myself when it comes to relationships. I mean obviously there’s the problem that nobody likes me – which helps, I guess, so I can avoid the situation for now. And then there’s the awkward bubble that I just sort of shield myself in anytime flirting is even a joking topic of conversation…
Which I guess is sort of the point. It’s a shield. A defense mechanism so that I can prevent myself from actually having to admit to feeling one way or the other. It’s a little pathetic I guess, what a coward I’ve become about that sort of thing. Obviously, I’m not ignorant, so it’s not like it’s innocence keeping me back.
It’s just plain fear. And I know I say I’ve moved on and that I’m beyond it, but it’s obviously changed me, as all experiences do. And I guess in and of itself, changing from experiences isn’t a bad thing, but I have to admit, I don’t much like what this one’s done to me. It’s become like a pariah to me.
I hate it that my friends think I’m cynical. I hate it that they’re right. I didn’t used to be like that. And in the part of me that still hopes, I’m not. But it just gets overwhelmed by the cynicism and the reason, and I guess some of my own inherent logical personality, too. So the things I say are less idealistic than a lot of their half-joking daydreams. But then they apply it to everything, and always call me out on it, and make me defensive, and then it seems like I don’t believe in love at all. And god dammit, I do!
I do. And I want it, just like everyone else. I just… I just don’t expect to find it as a seventeen-year-old. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to find somebody I like and spend a lot of time with them and just enjoy the time we have together. Not everybody believes going into a relationship that it’s going to last forever. That would be… Stupid? Naïve? Something.
Well anyway, because of my cynicism, people don’t like to approach me about that sort of thing, and I don’t know how to respond if/when they do. Except I don’t know how much of that is directly caused by their knowledge of my supposed dislike of anything romantic, and how much of it is just… me.
And I end this rant with a just as confused brain and a heavy, resigned, baffled sigh.