Lampo and I were having a deep conversation last night, and she said when she fell into her hole, it was because she didn’t feel amazing or extraordinary or special anymore. That she just felt normal. And really, I get how that could make her depressed or in a dark time.
But for me, it was the opposite. For pretty much all my life, I’d thought I was better than everyone else. Of course, I also hated myself and didn’t think I was good enough but that’s something else. I was always superior to everyone, even older people. So looking back on basically everything up to sophomore or junior year, everything seems covered in a haze. It’s probably part just sheltered-ness. But I know some of it is because I never really connected to everybody as well as I should have because I thought I was above everyone.
And there wasn’t really any big epiphany moment when I suddenly realized hey I’m normal, but whenever I sort of transitioned to feeling normal, like I fit in, that’s when I really started feeling good about myself. And I’d so much rather feel normal than different. So I guess there’s another way in which Lampo and I differ.