No ChangeMature

Essentially a stream of consciousness exercise but with punctuation and stuff (so, a diary).

I've moved on
Haven't I?
But here I am again, giving money away to help keep my Past alive.

Life has changed now;
I've gone to uni, I'm finishing my first year, I did my A levels again (so much better)... I made friends (more permanent ones?).

And now, I feel like I've changed.
But have I?

I've been reading my stories and poems, my childish fears and concerns.
But then how childish is it really to worry about obsession over blood, self-harm, hearing voices and going mad with the people around you?
And I feel like things should be different now.

I've had a few more awful relationships, a few rubbish sexual experiences... but now I'm in a positive relationship (again) with someone I care about (again) who definitely doesn't hurt me (that's new).

I've made more friends in my previous school (who I still speak to and see) and I've made a few friends in uni (really though, not many).

But I still came back here. And I want to get a tattoo reminiscing about the past, about the people who made the person I am; I want to permanently mark myself with symbols to remind me who made this monster.

It's positive, it started off being planned as something to show how I got to this point - studying mental health nursing in university and then planning to go on to be a nurse. So it had to show the mental health influences; Bea, Pineapple, mi gemela, Cake.. but then it became those who made me, me. And now there'll be so many symbols of so many experiences... and I'm so stuck in the past that I just can't let myself escape.

I have a life now, a positive one perhaps. Yet I began this year in uni longing for anything else... it must have been awful for Paul. I rip myself apart over and over because I'm so frightened to live in the present and be who I am RIGHT NOW. In the past I've treated people so poorly, I've done things I don't even remember and hurt the people I loved, I've been awful to people I considered my friends, I ripped someone apart just because she reminded me of myself.
But here I am. Still standing. And she is too. And, as far as I'm aware, all the people I've hurt still stand today. We all live on.

So what am I dwelling on?

I hate the person I have been but I don't give myself the opportunity to be better.
I hate the way I've treated people close to me so I'm uncomfortable letting anyone truly close.
I don't notice anymore when people consider me a true friend because I'm so wary of considering anyone that way.

I'm the same now as I was before. I trust no one, I'm afraid, I'm lonely, I'm lost.
I'm uncertain in the life I've chosen, I hate living so far from home and I've hated where I've lived this year.

I'm full of hate and fear and I always have been. Hate and fear and blame.
And I truly don't know how to change that.
And inside, I'm miserable.
I'm lost.

The End

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