I don't know why I reacted so badly. I mean I thought I didn't feel anything for Robin. It seems I did. Maybe I realised when I made that deal with that guy. Maybe I realised when he stormed out. Maybe when he brought back those two girls. Or maybe when he had sex with them. I don't know when I realised. All I do know is I'm now more fucked up.
I come back to the apartment and go straight to my room where I begin packing. One thing I know is I can't stay here. I love Robin, I hurt him and he acted like he no longer cares for me which I can't blame him for. Luckily Robin's still in bed. I make a huge racket though lugging my suitcase towards the door. I also know a thick scent of death, blood and drugs hangs on my skin.
Robin choose that moment to poke his head out. “Going somewhere?”
“I'm moving” I say quietly not looking at him. I can't it will hurt to much.
“Cause I've fallen in love with you” I mumble accidently speaking my thoughts. I clamp my mouth shut.
“You what?” I flinch and carry on getting ready to leave not answering. Robin chuckles. “I always dreamt of the day you'd say that”
“Too bad its the reason I'm leaving” I whisper my voice breaking. I feel pain scratch and beat at my heart and almost faint from the pain. How can this hurt so much? I only realised yesterday. I can hardly feel this much for him.
“I'm leaving cause I can't stay around here”
“I realised I was in love with you and you just fucked those girls!” Elioth screams. “Despite seeing and knowing I was in pain” Robin does answer and I feel tears trailing down my cheeks. “Say something!” I shout when he stays silent.
“Anything” I choke but with no reply. I step forward and hug Robin desperately. “Please say something. Say its my fault. Say I hurt you. Give me some reason why I feel so hurt”
“Its not your fault. You didn't hurt me”
“Then why did you do it?” I ask looking up at him.
“Because I felt like it”
“Then what was I then?” I feel like all hope of reason is slipping from my fingertips. All dreams falling out of reach. “Was I just a good fuck?”
“Then what was I? A trophy?”
“I loved you once, Eli”
“You don't now?” I ask my love beginning to tear into piece and throw in my face like trash.
“I don't know if I can”
“I just don't” The final punch, the blow that his me straight to the core. I turn and begin to grab my stuff once again preparing to leave.
“Don't go” I stop looking back.
“Why? You just destroyed my love”
Robin sighs. “Fine. Go. Whatever” I feel pain to the core and I know he can see it so clearly on my face as I stand there. I don't move. I feel almost frozen to the spot. Robin looks at his feet.
“Robin?” I whisper worried.
“Mmm?” he mumbles.
“I...” my voice trails off and my mind goes blank to what I was going to say. Robin looks up and I remember. I step forward and press my lips quickly to his. “I love you” I whisper before turning to leave.
“Don't go” the words are so quiet I don't know if I heard them but I stop. Then again its repeated even more quiet and I just catch it. I turn back to Robin looking confused. He's looking again at his feet.
“But you don't love me” I whisper.
“I thought we were more than that. I thought we were friends”
“I need more though. I physically need more from you”
“I.... I'll fuck you. Whatever you want, just don't go”
“You don't love me” I whisper again.
“I don't want you to go”
“You don't love me” I repeat.
“I don't want you to go, Eli”
I look away. “You don't need me” I say with excruciating pain.
“I want you”
“How can you? You don't love me!” I scream beginning to cry. My heart aches so much I begin to feel the stress.
“I don't know but its breaking my heart to see you go”
I move and stand in front of him a inch away. “What would you do to keep me?” I ask beginning to feel tempted by his desperate needing to keep me.
“Can I fuck you?” I ask and watch as Robin bites his lip. I slip an arm round his waist and palm him through his jeans. I raise an eyebrow in question. Robin bites his lip more.
“Then I guess you won't do anything”
Robin frowns. “That's not fair”
“You either let me or I'm gone” I say knowing a cold expression covers my face.
“Then I guess you're going”
I shrug and turn picking up my suitcase. I feel empty, hollow. I don't care. My love has been smashed twice. Robin looks at his feet and I stop a moment. “You can change your mind” I say with a shrug.
“I don't like being topped”
“I don't care. That's the thing I need” I say opening the door.
“Why? Why that?”
“I need it” I say simply.
“Cause I want to be possessive okay!” I snap.
“Oh, well as long as you get what you want” he says rolling his eyes.
“What?” I say confused.
“I don't like being topped. I don't like the feel of it. But you don't seem to give a fuck, as long as you get what you want” Robin says.
“Yeah, I don't. You've already made me empty. I could die right now and not care” He doesn't reply and I turn away. I leave through the door with heavy feet.