Sometimes, you smash rocks. Usually, said rocks contain rock. However, one particular rock didn't contain rock. No no no, one time, a rock contained me. True story. Either thousands or billions of years ago, during the formation of our planet, a rock was formed on the Mountain of Flowers and Fruit. What? You say that many mountains have flowers and fruit? Well are these mountains named "The Mountain of Flowers and Fruit"? No? Exactly.
After either hundreds or millions of years of sitting dormant inside of my rock atop the mountain, I got bored and burst out. Picture a bird hatching from an egg, but replace the bird with a monkey and the egg with a huge boulder. Oh, and replace the hatching with a massive explosion. That's my birth.
Not too brag or anything, but I'm pretty handsome. I think that's part of the reason why the other, regular monkeys on the mountain crowned me their king. My rule was a great one, a great one indeed. I mean, not much happened, but if anything were to happen, I'd be all over it. That's how great my rule was. Just saying. However, I had one major flaw: mortality. I mean, really, when you're the king of monkeys, who has time for dying? So, I left my kingdom and went out into the world to seek the secrets of immortality.
Soon enough, I found some old immortal. He was actually very nice and taught me all sorts of fantastic magic, along with human speech and mannerisms. I was also given the name Sun Wukong. Again, not to brag or anything, but I was pretty good at the magic. Very good actually. In a short period of time, I mastered the 72 transformations, which allow me to shapeshift into virtually anything or anyone, any time I want. You'll never look at your mother the same way again, will you?
Next was cloud-travel, which is basically the ability to fly upon the watery might of clouds. No big deal or anything, right? I mean, aside from the little known fact that clouds can cover 33,554 miles per second. No biggie. Finally, I mastered my own personal magic: the ability to transform individual strands of my hair into anything I want. No more haircuts for me, again, no big deal. I'm sure you have some nice talents of your own. Unfortunately, some of my teachers thought that I "bragged too much" and kicked me out. Oddly enough, I don't think I've ever bragged in my life... no big deal. You bragger.
Anyhow, I'm going to skip the next couple parts of my life. Too lengthy and I'm too restless to tell it all. Man, going out on a demon slaying trip would feel pretty good right about now. I love fighting. What a thrill, what a rush! Speaking of combat, I think I win the coolest weapon contest. What is it you ask? Oh nothing, just a gigantic golden-banded staff. It can shrink, grow and multiply as I see fit and weighs 8.1 tonnes. A little light in my opinion, but hey, what can you do, right? I actually got it by ripping it right out of the ocean, where it was being used as a stabilizer for the entire freaking ocean. That place was a mess after I took it, but oh well. When I'm not fighting, I shrink the staff enough to keep it safe in my ear. Can you fit stuff in your ear? Again, didn't think so.
After that was a little incident in Heaven where I was imprisoned under Buddha's hand for 500 years. All this just because I was causing a little bit of trouble. Hey, I was just having fun. The conditions under the hand were awful. Little food, little water, 500 years and no one to play with.
But eventually, someone came to save me. A monk or something. He wanted to get to the west for some mission and needed a guard. Accepting the job was the only way to escape, so I kinda sorta gave in. Sort of. Unfortunately, there was a pretty big catch: I had to wear a tiara. He said it was a headband, but he wasn't fooling anyone. And to make it worse, every time he said a certain incantation, I got a massive headache from the thing. It's like it was squeezing my very skull.
So a few allies and 81 mortal dangers later, we arrived and he collected his little scrolls. For my heroics and excellent bodyguard service, I was granted Buddhahood. Plus, Heaven forgave me for killing 100,000 celestial soldiers. Oh... I didn't mention that earlier? Well, now you know. Now, let's hear your life story, shall we?
... I understand, it's difficult to be as great as I am.