Basically just take any creature or person that you want from myth or legend, and write a narrative talking about them, with the narrator being said character. I came up with this idea while trying to sleep, and ended up writing a whole narrative on the spot.
Yeah, I'm a vampire. Stalker of the Shadows, Predator of the Night, and all that good stuff. There's been a ton of rumors going around the water cooler about us, and honestly, most of it makes me laugh. I'd just like to clear some stuff up for you.
Holy Water. Acid to us, a refreshing beverage to the guy ballsy enough to drink out of the church basin, right? Eh, that isn't all that accurate. Okay, maybe if you boiled it and sprayed me with it, it might sting for a second, but other than that, just good for a bath, really.
Stake to the Heart. Now that's a bit more in the ballpark. See, no weapon can penetrate our skin, but a nice sharp chunk of wood will do the trick, if it's enchanted by a certain incantation. Want to know it? Ha, like I'd be dumb enough to let THAT out of the bag. If a stake with that incantation over it is stuck through our heart, it'll kill me. But anything else will just glance off my wonderfully rugged body.
Fire. This is probably the only weakness shared between vampires and Mortals. We react just the same to it as you do, embarrassing as it may be to admit.
Sunlight. There's the big one, the trademark trait. Well, other than the whole blood deal anyway. It's come to my attention that some Mortals believe that we vamps will SPARKLE when subjected to the sun's rays.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Dude, the only thing bright and shiny about us when in the daylight is the pretty flames that erupt from our bodies.
Sleeping in coffins. I prefer Tempur-Pedic, myself.
The myth that we don't appear in photographs. On the contrary, I must say I photograph pretty damn well. I am one gorgeous guy, not to brag or anything.
Now for the part you've probably been waiting for: our oh-so-secret dietary habits. Okay sure, the only thing we NEED is blood, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy a nice dinner and movie. I mean, the Mortal food may not be a necessity, but i still like the occasional pizza and Bud Light.
Now about the blood. Human blood is the most nourishing, but that doesn't make it the most tasty. Despite what you Mortals may think, we aren't jonesing for your blood 24/7. It's probably full of bacon grease anyway.
Every Mortal has a favorite food, and every vamp has a favorite blood. Just like all foods have different tastes, so does the blood from different animals. Now I like human blood as much as the next guy, but my personal favorite is bald eagle. Now, that shit is where it's at! But it's not the easiest blood for me to come by, so it's a rare treat.
And as for the whole myth about garlic being fatal to us, I'm not a big fan of what it does to my breath, but sprinkle it over some grilled chicken or pork with a bit of lemon juice... Damn.
Oh yeah, one last thing. Yes we are Immortal. I was Turned a few hundred years ago, and I still don't look more than twenty. Just think, after you get all old and wrinkly and gray, I will still look stunningly handsome. Unfair, isn't it?
Well, I suppose I'll wrap this up. I'm not all that great at conclusions, so... Stay safe, don't do drugs, and all that fairy-tale shit. And by the way, Interview With the Vampire is one of my favorite movies. Just thought you'd appreciate the irony.