My first attempt to get things right

In mid-July, my first proper relationship came to an end. I was terribly down when it happened, but thanks to some of the amazing people around me - I feel great now! This is just a summary of my feelings about things, not that the internet need care! I wrote it mostly for my own benefit, so I don't mind too much about feedback.

Sometimes there aren't words to describe feelings.

But I try my best.

Maybe we wouldn't be here if I'd have tried harder.

But I don't regret anything; every mistake I made is a lesson learned.

My biggest flaw has always been an inability to trust people. I know I never trusted you, and yet ironically you proved me right by coming to break up with me whilst telling me we were going to sort things out. But then, I can't even say I was surprised, since I never really expected you to have good intentions. 

I know I have to take responsibility for not trusting you, since I never really gave things a chance of working by not letting you inside my head. I just feared that you may leave if you knew all of my secrets - and yet you left anyway. This is why I do not regret what happened, I now know for sure that without mutual trust - a relationship is doomed from the onset. 

You didn't even know my closest friends. But I was afraid of letting you meet them. We did some stupid stuff in the past together and I love them - but we're just from a different background. The things we have to do to get by don't even compare to the comfortable life you've had. I guess you always seemed like an outsider - or more likely, I felt like an outsider in your life, so I didn't let you into mine either.

I guess you could say we both messed things up. You'd always make me feel like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders - you thought I was someone special, someone who could move mountains; but for all the nice things you thought, I would have been better if you'd seen me for who I really was. I am no angel, no saint. I've done some pretty messed up things - sure I have a good heart, but I wanted more than anything for you to see me as me. Not some Ken doll personified, who could only ever do right.

Maybe now you see that I'm not perfect, I didn't handle the break up well, I said some things I shouldn't have. But you broke my heart. Whether or not I really loved you, you were a part of my life and now you're gone. You told me you don't have to go, that we can work things out in the future. But I guess life has a cruel way of turning the tables on you, because I don't want you back.

Not wanting you back doesn't mean that I don't wish for you to be happy though. The sad truth of the matter is that I was never the one for you, and you were never the one for me - but I know we had some good times, and I will always be grateful for those. 

I didn't cut you out of my life because I hate you, I cut you out because the reunion you talked about will never happen and we were never friends before we were partners; seeing me again will only bring up painful memories of things that never were. I didn't lie when I said I cared about you, but you never really knew me at all. The last eighteen months could have all just been a dream. You would only ever be chasing shadows.

I hope you see that I am really a good person, but I don't blame you if you curse me and wish bad karma upon me. I know you broke up with me so I should be mad at you, but you would never have done so had I not been acting strangely. The truth was I just couldn't take the pressure any longer; you're just not the person I need right now. Perhaps I should have been honest, instead of pushing you away.

My mistakes are my own, as are yours your own; I guess the last thing I'd want you to know is that you did go wrong too, and I do still care - but sometimes, we all have to go our separate ways so that we can start anew, without making the same mistakes we once did. Me being in your life would not make your life any better, no matter how you feel right now - and I need to be free from your presence, so that I can find my own peace. I remember the good and the bad times, and I owe you my thanks for it all.

But I guess it's time to say goodbye; I will miss some things about you, but I am not looking back and I hope you don't either. One day (maybe even soon), both of us will be happier - maybe then, we can talk. But for the foreseeable, I have my own life to lead, I just hope you understand.

The End

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