He Really Likes His Coffee

Tell me something, will you? Why... why, why, why... is it so bloody hard to get a decent cup of coffee in this town? I mean, there're coffee shops all over the place! Every freaking corner, a coffee shop. And not one of them has a decent cup on offer. Is it really that hard? Some of us actually happen to have taste buds, you know. Some of us - backawayfromthatdoor! Thank you.

*Ahem* Some of us actually have taste buds, you know. And no, filling the cup halfway full with cream and sugar and then adding some coffee does not in any way count as a decent cup. Not at all. And ma'am, I see you creeping towards the back exit. I'm telling you now it would be a bad idea. That's right, back to the center of the room. Thank you. Honestly, it's like you people have never been taken hostage before. Or seen a cop show, at the very least.

Look, I'm telling you - are you listening? Because this is important. Right. Coffee places these days are more concerned with profit than they are with quality. Which isn't the way it should be! Not at all! See, if they offered a decent product they would attract all the people who are actually interested in something other than overly sweetened crap... oh, I see the police are here. Took them long enough. Fifteen minutes? Really? I bet they were looking for a decent coffee shop and were all the way across town when the call came in. You need coffee when you have doughnuts, you  know. And cops and doughnuts go together like... well! Like.... coffee and doughnuts, I guess. Anyway, where was I?

Oh! Right! Now, people like me, we'd pay top dollar for coffee that was actually good. It's like... it's like a fine wine, really. Only instead of getting you drunk it really opens the mind. Anybody else feel the same way? No? Oh, come on, you can raise your hands up if you like. Still no? I'm telling you, I live in a city full of uncultured philistines. I wish I'd brought some of my personal stuff, then I could make you all some really- what did he say...? Oh! My demands, of course. I was wondering when they were going to get to that part. Excuse me for a moment.

Oi!  I know you have doughnuts out there! What I want to know is, did any of you bring any coffee?!

The End

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