I didn't really prepare myself for school to start up again. Especially now that me and Steven were a... Thing. But I don't really know what we are. Why are labels so important to me?? I don't really know. Just helps to know that the feelings I have for him aren't just one sided. It'd be nice to know that I'm not a fuck buddy... I mean the way he talks to me and kisses me in the hall way, I know there are feelings there. But he doesn't kiss me in front of people. I mean, I hate PDA but I mean on the cheek, holding hands in the halls, sitting with me at lunch. I know he has his friends and I have mine, but I'd like to be acknowledged in some way. But I don't want to push things on him... Pushy is never good. Maybe I shouldn't let it bother me. I mean I have what I have. It is what it is.
I guess since I'm his little secret it can be fun. Like the sneakiness. The excitement of almost getting caught together. The rush from him pushing me into the lockers, or sneaking to the locker room showers during lunch. Once we had shower sex, very quiet shower sex... But anyway, long story short, syd was very unconvinced that I had been sprayed by the janitor outside, or a freak rain cloud. She saw the glow around me. She knew how hooked I was. She made it easier on me, and kept the fact that we didn't have a title a small topic of conversation so I didn't freak out. I guess. She just understands. She gets it. Whatever it is. She gets it.
Bethany on the other hand has me freaking out every time I hang out with her. She blows everything out of the water and makes it seem like things I know aren't true... Like maybe I'm making it all up and I should make sure so I don't get hurt. Maybe I should make sure? Should I ask him? Would that be pushy? I don't know anymore!
I guess my birthday this weekend will calm me down. Becoming nineteen was sort of a big deal. To me. Not much difference from being eighteen. It feels older I guess. Maybe just the fact that I didn't get pregnant this year like my mom did when she was eighteen. I sort of beat her. I had a party planned for the day after my actual birthday. Saturday. I wanted to have my actual birthday to myself. I had school on my birthday, I didn't want to tell anyone, I wanted to see how many people already knew. Maybe even get a few random presents or cards. Balloons?
I got to school after my mother gave me a ride to Starbucks to pick out any drink and desert I wanted. First hour I saw Bubby... He smiled at me, but he was late to class so I didn't get to kiss him before class. We texted in class, but it wasn't the same... I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to hear it for me. But I wasn't going to mope. It was my birthday. I was probably older than everyone in this room except Steven, his birthday was in December.
Second hour gym class Bubby and I snuck off with the pass to the hall way, We said we had an english project together and I acted like I hated him... It sorta hurt but his friends were watching us. He was walking a foot away from me... I hate this act. I wish he could be with me in public. But that would happen when pigs fly. As soon as we got in the halls he wrapped my fingers in those big hands. I let go of his hand and said I had to go to the bathroom. I went into the bathroom, and wiped a wet cloth on my eyes. The cold water on my skin felt nice. It cooled me down, I don't know why it was bothering me. It's not like I didn't understand the situation. I can't just expect Jo, to become My Steven in front of the whole school. Because that would be super vulnerable, bubby's past and guts would be all over the place and that would be so painful... I wouldn't even be able to see him like that. It'd hurt too much myself. So us pretending to be unchanged from Christmas break was not a big deal. But it was? I don't know... I need to calm down. Or maybe I should just talk to him about it...
I left the bathroom after flushing a toilet and pretending to wash my hands... I don't know why ha. Anyway, he was leaning against the wall looking up at the ceiling. Thinking to himself. His face at peace. So god damn beautiful. Just like that, one glance at him, the pain was just melted off my heart. He sensed me near him and looked over his shoulder. I smiled at him small, feeling shy because he was just a gorgeous man and it made me feel small, his brown eyes piercing into my blue eyed soul. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my lips deeply, holding my up until I wrapped my arms around his neck and my feet were off the ground. I live for these kisses... So good.
We walked to the court yard, it's like a little rest spot outside with trees, grass and a couple benches. He sat on the bench, but I slip my shoes off and stepped into the cool grass. The snow was finally gone and grass was growing back. I could tell Steven didn't like that I take my shoes off at school, but I could also tell that he could ignore it. He loved me enough to not let it bother him anymore. I sat in the grass criss cross apple sauce. He eventually sat with me, then I lay down in the grass and he lay next to me, holding my hand and looking at me while I watch the gray clouds rolling in.
"What's wrong baby?" He asked.
I smiled to myself,"I don't know bubbah. I'm okay, It's just a long day."
He squeezed my hand,"It's only second hour... I'm here."
"I know babe... Just something's been on my mind and I don't know..."
I wanted to be all,"I'll tell you later..." Or,"I don't really wanna talk about it."
But I couldn't do that... Because it would ruin his whole day trying to figure out what's wrong. But before I said what was bothering me, He was on top of me,"Wait."
I looked up at him,"Don't tell me okay. Because I get it. I know what's wrong. I'm just going to make this birthday the best day ever okay? Don't think about whatever it is. we'll talk about it some other time. Because today is your day. you're not aloud to be sad." Then he kissed my cheek and rubbed my waist,"And I'm taking you out to lunch today. so meet me here after third hour." I smiled at him and pulled him face closer to me and kissed him softly.