Journal entry, December 10th 2012.
Today I was walking in the halls, and Jo keeps looking at me again... I don't want to freak out for something that probably isn't true. But It has happened more than once, so I am pretty convinced that it isn't me just landing in his line of sight. But anywayyy back to reality! I got a boyfriend finally! His name is Jeremy Flemming and he's so different from any guy I've ever been with before. He's weird, sorta like me. He's into spiritual stuff and he's really sweet. We message all the time because he's already graduated. He comes to my church on Wednesday to come and see me. It was hella weird but the first time he kissed me it smelled like chinese food... He's a little on the husky side, very sexual, and he makes me really happy. I think I could maybe even loose my virginity to this guy! I don't know it's weird. But every time I try to talk to Jeremy, Steven is right there with me. I don't want to jump the gun, but I feel like he's flirting with me... Now I have three guys going through my head. and to top is all off, literally, I had a really erotic sex dream about Jo... I hate my brain right now.
I was exhausted... Steven and Jeremy have been basically fighting for my attention every night. Either I stay up till midnight talking to Steven, or I get in a random ass fight with Steven because I'm distracted talking to Jeremy. It feels like work. I don't feel so pretty lately. and to add to the stress Jo's been acting weird. Like friendly... I don't know what it even means. Maybe it's like one of those dumb pranks where the football team dares the captain to turn a total nerd into a Prom queen. I'm not in the mood to deal with school drama, I already have so much on my plate, and my school life is starting to be affected... My grades are falling, less sleep, less showers. I am a mess.
I figured out the problem... It's Jeremy. He's starting to really get on my nerves. Seriously everything he does bothers me. I don't even know why we started dating. It literally confuses me. I mean I thought he was cool at first. He seemed really confident. But when he talks about his...member... He comes up short. I am sorry for wanting a little more than little prick man. Especially because he's a little overweight. His qualities that I liked before are turning into nothing. He was nothing but a bum. All he does is sit around his house smoking pot and meditating. He talks all day about big plans and does nothing.
You know who's going somewhere? I don't... I don't even have a legit plan. I mean maybe I could become a stripper. My name could be the Virgin Mary. because I have yet to disperse my V'card. I don't really want to give it up to Jeremy, him and his little dick. I don't even know right now. My head is so boggled with everything I literally don't know what to think at all anymore. I want to break up with Jeremy. I want the image of Jo rubbing my jeans to get out of my head. I want Steven to be in person with me. I don't want to stay up all night dividing my attention anymore.
I text steven about my problem. He laughs and tell me,"Whatever.." Someone's either jelly, mad, or maybe he just isn't happy at all. Should I have been flaunting my happiness when I started dating Jeremy? Or should I have kept it hidden?
Then I got the text that shattered my heart to pieces,"you missed my birthday... Not that it matters anyway." Steven messaged me. I nearly cried but I held it in. I don't know why I have this many emotions, I've never had barely any emotion and now I'm having all of them at once... I am so confused and I need some real Best friend time. Syd is starting to become distant with her new boyfriend Donny. Aubrey annoys the shit out of me so N.O.
The only person that comes to mind, who I realize was kind of left out ever since this small dicked fat ass came and took away all his attention. Steven. He was always there for me. He hadn't left me yet. We've been getting kind of flirty. I mean I think it's flirting.
We talk about going camping together with his baby girl. He even said that he wanted to kiss me pretty badly. But lately all we do is argue because I can't multitask.
When my day was over I got home and messaged Steven that I want to end things with Jeremy. after two whole weeks of sloppy kissing and uncomfortable PDA. I was done. While messaging him I suddenly realize where my conversation is headed. We were completely CAPS LOCK FIGHTING!
"I'M NOT HAPPY LIBBY! LEAVE ME ALONE AND GO FUCK YOUR BOYFRIEND!"
"I DON'T HAVE ONE ANYMORE!"
It got really silent for a while and then he messaged me,"You broke up with him?" He asked.
"Yeah... He said that if I ever left he'd kill himself, so I left. I'm not dealing with that."
"*holds your hand and squeezes it* oh.. I'm sorry."He all of a sudden changed out of his anger. It both confused and frustrated me, but at least he wasn't yelling at me anymore...I felt like being bitchy simply because I wanted to,"No you're not... You didn't even like him. I don't know why you've been so mad at me lately."
"well that's true... But I got mad because I don't like him... I dunno." He seemed distant, but I could now see the light... Why didn't it hit me before? He likes me! He totally does, I can see it, he was jealous for my attention.
"Well why? he didn't do anything to you."I had to play dumb... I didn't want to give it away that I knew he liked me, I wanted him to say it.
"doesn't matter."His walls were back up... I sighed heavily and decided to screw being coy. I was going to let it out, if he denies me it's not like I've never been denied before. I took a deep breath,"Steven... be honest. Where you jealous?"
"okay... well then can I ask you a question?"
I braced myself for the next message I was about to send, I had to be brave.
"Hypothetically... Do you like me?"
"yes." My head started to spin. Was I really reading this? Do I need glasses?
"Do you think we could ever be... I don't know, a thing?"
"Why not?" Was all he said. It was all he needed to say to change everything.