I woke up and realized that is was dark. I looked around for Juliana, a little surprised to see her gone. She probably went somewhere. She had sat next to me as I fell asleep, as the tears ran down my horrid face. She would gently brush them away, and I eventually heard her leave. Juliana. If only I could spare you from the pain I have suffered. I lifted my head out of the clouds and started to move around.
Tenderly, I brought my hand to my head and started feeling around for the wound. Blood still coated some of my hair as I sat up dazed. I listened, but heard nothing. They both must be gone. I achingly got up and crept into the bathroom. I gasped as I looked at my reflection. Blood coated the left side of my brown hair, and there was a bruise on the side of my face. I grabbed a towel angrily and started cleaning it out. What the *&$&?? I cannot believe this happened. I can't believe Brent wouldn't stand up for me, not even when I was about to be killed. He's right. I'm not worth it.
That was when Mom knocked on the door.
"Hunny? Are you in there?"
I panicked. I couldn't let her see me like this. It would just cause more trouble. "Yeah Mom?" I could hear her sigh. "Are your brother or sister home?" "Not that I know of." My fingers gripped the side of the sink, anxious to have her gone. "Ok, well, me and your Dad are running up to the church. We'll be gone the rest of the night." Relief. "Ok bye."
I could hear her walk away and I breathed a sigh of relief. Of course they wouldmaybesee it sometime. But not right now. I heard the door slam and I walked back to my room, not bothering to close the door. I looked around, trying to decide what to do.
I realized I had nothing to do. No homework. Great.
As I stood there, I decided to go out for a drive. See what I see. Stiffly I got into my car and sat there for a minute. Starting to drive, I turned on the radio and that song was on. You know that one song that you cry to every time you listen to it? Well it was this song. It was about this boy who adores this girl, but the girl doesn't realize he loves her. She thinks she's worthless, and he tries to convince her she's not. I cried as I drove, and pulled to the side of the road.
If only I had one person like that.......I exploded.
Everybody hates me. I'm not loved why even care?!? I'm worthless. Nobody sees me, nobody cares. Why should I care???
I grabbed my stringy hair and started to yell at myself, looking into the little mirror in the driver seat. The cut on my head started to bleed but I didn't care. I put my head on the wheel and sobbed. I didn't remember feeling this......hopeless. This insignificant before.
I had tried drugs. It hadn't really satisfied me. I had tried alcohol. Not really my taste. Then what was there left to try.
I remembered something. I had a knife hidden in the dashboard of the car. I eagerly opened it, and there it sat. I took it gingerly in my hands. One little cut, and it will all go away. I won't be emo or anything. I'll wear bright clothes, and I'll keep my hair outta my eyes. I might even be able to smile because the pain will hopefully be gone. Its worth a try at least.
Shakingly, I held it. I pulled up my sweatpants, up to my thigh. Do it here. Nobody will see it. They will never know. But then again, who would even care!? I held it against the skin, and cut. Only a little blood came out, but I looked from my leg to the blood, shocked. What have I done? But then, I felt the relief. I closed my eyes and breathed. Drugs couldn't do this. I looked down to my leg again, the blood running over it. I did it again. Then again.
I grabbed a few napkins and put them over my leg and started to drive again. My teeth were gritted as I pulled up to the house. I ran inside, and closed my door. I can't believe I did that. Wearily, I pulled off my blood stained sweats and put on a new pair. I crawled into bed, suddenly tired.
This is my little secret. This is how I'll be ok. Everything will....be...ok......