When Tony came to my room, the sweetness I felt was both pleasure and pain. Pleasure at feeling his delightful kiss and the touch of his mind as we communicated our love for each other, but pain from the desire and the distance we had to keep. I wanted our souls to melt together but Tony reminded me of my promise not to give mine away. My longing for him to see that my love for him meant I was only too willing to give away the deepest part of me built up into an ache that underlay the sensations as we shared the magnificent moment.
It was so infuriating when he got worried at my incoherency. I wanted to be incoherent. I wanted to lose myself in him, let my thoughts whirl and spin outwards as he took me in his arms. But, alas, what could I do when Tony was adamant we were going to maintain control of the situation? Personally, I thought control was an obstacle in a kiss (love had to flow, like a river or a beautiful melody) but my eagerness to please Tony meant that I complied with his wishes.
Later on that evening, when Tony was asleep (I had fooled him into thinking I was asleep too and thank goodness there hadn't been anything suspicious about my thoughts), I felt the need to let out all the strain this relationship put on me.
I sighed to myself as I began, addressing Tony, though in reality hoping that he couldn't hear.
"This is so difficult. I know what I promised, and I know I would do anything for you, but I feel like I need to give my soul to you. It belongs to you. I don't care about endangering my life: my life is nothing without the love you give me, and for that to continue, I need to convey my deep, irrepressible emotions. It feels like I'm stopping myself from fully expressing the things my heart feels when our souls are prevented from moulding together. And what could be truly bad about us becoming one? Surely it's desirable? I could understand if it was because I am less perfect than you but the fact you can love me shows I must at least be good enough in some way. There's so much I don't know about you...
"But I don't care about that. All I care about is spending the rest of my days with you. I couldn't bear it if we were to separate - another reason I feel we should join as one. The distance you already put between us is agonising. It is frustrating when you stop our love becoming a little stronger, or slightly more passionate: that is the way our love is meant to happen. It's like you're stopping Fate...
"Tonight was as painful as it was pleasurable. Who would've thought that love could hurt so much? I almost feel like I'm being ungrateful when I feel sad: after all, you're the most perfect person I've ever met. But that's how it is. What am I but a mere servant of the force called Love? You're its servant too, but you try to resist the power it has over you. I wonder at your ability to do so. I wish you'd surrender. We should surrender together."
I sighed. "There is so much love in my heart but so much longing in my soul. You have felt my wild, intense desire and I have felt yours but it's not enough. It's never enough."
I kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear "Love should be unconditional."
Tears began to slide down my cheek, caressing my skin almost as Tony had this evening. Even though I had revealed my secret, the feelings were no less potent than before. Perhaps nothing would heal my aching heart.