I was drowning in a mixture of self loathing and self pity. And by the looks of it, selfishness. My ex not talking to me wasn't a reason to hate myself, but the way our relationship ended was. I was pitying myself for the fact that my new girlfriend didn't match up to my ex in certain aspects, wondering whether I had made a mistake mainly balanced on the heat of the moment and the new feeling of university.
Yes, I was enjoying my course, and the new subjects for photography I was finding, but my social life had clearly taken a turn for the worst. I wasn't sure about anything, and over the past few days I had seen Alex slipping away, not in her actions but in her thoughts. And for some reason I wasn't really that bothered about following. I'd shot myself in the foot. Our relationship was based on heat and us wanting each other. I was going to have to break up with her. But I had to do it nicely. She was living with me; I didn't want a load of drama.
When I next saw her, she was chatting to Robbie in the kitchen. They were laughing.
"Alex? Can I, talk to you?"
"Yeah sure." She waited expectantly.
"No I mean in private." Robbie grimaced but alex nodded and followed me out.
"What's up?" She asked when we were outside.
"Look, Alex... I don't really know how to say this..."
"Oh my god, you know don't you?"
"Oh, nothing." I stared at her for a minute then let it go. It didn't matter, whatever it was.
"Look... I don't think this..." I gestured between the two of us "...is going to work."
"Sorry?" She looked a little upset but confused, as though she wasn't quite sure what I was talking about.
"Us. We're not working. We have to, you know, break up." And then I stood there dumbly as she froze and looked at me. I was waiting for her to cry, but I wasn't sure she was going to. That was good I supposed. But I'd thought I was going to have to comfort her and so it would be ok, but now I had no idea what to do.
So I just stood there awkwardly under her gaze.