She loves me.
My beating heart was still fluttering in my chest, screaming of happiness and joy for my sudden courage in recognizing my feelings toward Sasha. My first kiss ever was what I’ve heard people say it is: perfect. Perfect and unexpected, it came as a very pleasant surprise when she leaned in and her lips touched mine. I was brusque and shy when our bodies were merging together in perfect harmony, which was when I pulled away to feel my lips. My lips begged not to part from her but my heart was hammering so hard I was afraid she might hear.
Our fingers entwined in perfect form and I felt the gaps and abysses in my life finally being filled up with her touch and caress. She suggested we should go to the beach to watch the sun giving way to the night. We parted from the place without notice or word, in hope that nobody would notice or even care. Nothing mattered anymore but something in my head prayed that our kiss had gone unseen from wary and judgmental eyes.
We stroll through the deserted beach hand-in-hand, listening to the soft rolling waves and rejoicing in the beautiful masterpiece the sky painted for us. Our walk was silent and her touch ever-so present in my life. We stood before the setting sun as its last beams of light were disappearing behind the waves. Sasha told me how beautiful I was and my heart suddenly stopped beating for some moments. She kissed me in the forehead and we started our way back to her car. I still couldn’t understand half of what was going on and I certainly couldn’t find an explanation for my feelings, but I had found a meaning to my life.
“Thanks Sasha,” I said in a low voice, gently pressing her hand. “For everything you’ve taught me since I came here.”
“You are so very welcome, my dear,” Sasha said tenderly, returning my squeeze and flashing me a charming smile. “You are the artist and I am only words.”
I laughed, “I wasn’t referring to my art, I was talking about life in general, about courage and love.” We arrived to her car as she pulled out her car keys, there was a faint blush in her cheeks she tried to hide from me by pretending to unlock the car. I walked to the other side and opened the door to allow me inside the passenger’s seat. She got in and started the engine, letting it hum to life as the first stars began to appear in the sky.
“Cerice, what you experienced today is only a small part of the path you’ve decided to take,” her voice was solemn, her hands stroking the steering wheel. “You have yet to discover what lies beneath our kiss and the feelings that will unfurl in you when you begin to understand this new world…”
“You are talking as if it was something alien and unknown,” I said, feeling an urge to take her hand and kiss her to reassure her of my feelings but somehow it felt wrong, as if I was forcing both of us to believe in a reality I wasn’t even certain of. “I understand that people talk but their words won’t make me change.”
Sasha gave me a sly smile and drove off the driveway. Her spirits were a bit more cheery, back to her normal self. “What will happen with Sam?”
“Nothing,” I replied, “there never was anything between us and it shall stay the same. Probably I will break up with him…”
“…and tell him about us?”
I wasn’t sure what to respond. It was too soon to declare myself a lesbian, I was still afraid of what the outsiders would think of me. “I am not prepared,” I replied childishly, fearful of her rejection for my hesitation.
“It’s okay,” Sasha gave me a warm, understanding smile. “I want you to feel comfortable with yourself before doing it.”
I nodded slowly and drifted my gaze to the outside of the window. Marine haze had formed over the sea and attempting to reach toward the sky to cover a waning moon. The car suddenly stopped and we were facing the university, my dorm hall in plain view. We stayed in silence for some minutes, no one daring to move.
“So, I guess I will be seeing you on Monday?” Sasha asked, brushing my arm with her fingers.
I turned my upper body to her and leaned boldly on her to kiss her on the lips. She returned my kiss with passion and energy that soothed my trembling spirits. I gave in to happiness. We parted and stared for some minutes. “I hope you are not busy tomorrow,” I said with a wink. “Saturdays should never go to waste.”
Sasha grinned, “See you tomorrow then.”
I kissed her good-bye on the cheek before getting out of the car and walked slowly back to my dorm. I heard her car pulling away, the sound disappearing steadily as she sped away. I was in no mood for the lift so I decided to take the stairs, by the time I reached my floor; my feet were burning with ache for the high-heels shoes.
I opened the door and dropped on the bed, rejoicing on its warmth and softness. Today’s events played in my mind over and over again, not desiring them to ever stop. I looked out of the window and wondered what my parents would think, what would the world think of me.
I shifted of position, and forced those negative thoughts from my mind, which were irrelevant to my happiness. Nothing could go wrong, now tomorrow had a certain light in it that invited me to look forward to it. I wondered what Sasha would teach me about the world tomorrow. I closed my eyes and my mind began drifting into the land of dreams.
I love her.