My senses crashed on me as I heard her confession. She was a lesbian! I couldn't move nor speak, only look at her and tried my best not to let my face show surprise. Why had she told me? Didn't she know I was very afraid of falling in love with her when I wasn't even sure of my sexuality? I searched for the zipper in my jacket and toyed with it for a while, trying to busy my mind from the sudden realization.
The sun was now low in the sky, grazing the rippling sea. The marine haze was slowly gathering altitude and shading the sun, and the moon was making its ascent into the sky. I pulled my jacket tighter as the wind increased its speed. A silence so unbearable settled between, like ice, that neither of us could break for a long time. I glimpsed at Sasha briefly, her expression was composed and serene, almost unaffected. How did she managed it, being so calm when my heart was thumping loud in my chest. I just didn't understand, nor I attempted at it.
Sasha laughed nervously, "I know what you are feeling and its okay, almost every straight girl friend of mine felt that way when we met. You must be really afraid and wary of me," she paused, lingering on her words and her own emotions. "Don't worry Cerice, I won't harrass you or anything. I wouldn't want your boyfriend to behead me. I am content with getting to know you, as a friend." She added that last bit with a certain air of sadness and hesitation.
"I am not afraid of you," I declared vehemently, somewhat offended that she thought I was so mundane and judgemental. "I totally support freedom, anybody can chose who to love." I thought about my parents and their chats with me about finding a worthy husband that would love me and protect me. That dream seemed so attainable when I was a child, but not anymore. I couldn't go along with men as much as I wanted to. They always hurt you. "And don't go worrying about my boyfriend beheading you cuz I don't have one." I shrugged, trying to feel at ease with the situation.
"Oh, really?" she asked rather surprised.
"For some reason, it surprises everybody I meet," I commented, crossing my arms across my chest, trying to sound comical and ironical. "I don't have super model looks nor an attractive body to being looked at..."
"That's not true," Sasha said softly.
Instantly my head jerked in her direction to find the veracity behind her words. They were not masked, they were truthful. Her entire complexion looked very beautiful when in contrast with the colours of the setting day. I blushed and thanked her, my heart beating ten times faster.
Another silence settled between us and I examined the situation closely, unsure of my own feelings toward Sasha. I just couldn't love her, no, I wasn't even sure if I was allowed to love her. Societal awareness sometimes had a great toll on me, which was saddening.
"So... how is it like?" I asked childishly, hoping the surprise and curiosity didn't show in my words.
"Being lesbian?" Sasha said, "well, its nothing other-worldly. You love someone and treasure that someone as something sacred and really important in your life. The only difference is that she is your same gender... Sometimes you suffer and enjoy like any normal heterosexual relationship. There are always ups and downs. But in the end of the day, you are still you and your loved one is still the person who she was."
Sasha explained it as if it was the most common thing in the world and I respected her for that. Now the subject didn't sounded as obscure and frightful as it had been yesterday. However, I still felt uncomfortable with her but that feeling was slowly fading and in its place affection was taking place.
I contained a sneeze, "It is getting cold, I want to return to my dorm."
"Very well," she smiled and we returned to the car. For some strange reason, I enjoyed the silent moment we had been together and wished it to last, but something was tugging in my mind to go back into seclusion and hide from the beautiful world outside. Hide from that person who is capable to make your heart feel funny.