I saw her get into her car, every move and gesture she made was gentle, delicate, and gracious. Why was I noting this? I shook my head and look up at the endless sky, the stars were a curtain of lights floating around the moon overhead. It was a beautiful sight, even perfect to be photograph by Sasha. Not again! I thought angrily, jerking my sight from the sky and into the ground. I started walking slowly my way back to my dorm, my restless heart was trying to tell me things my mind would not accept as true. "This just can't be!" I muttered, clenching my fist around the strap of my messenger bag and my pace quickened.
Even though the night was cold and chilly, the place where she put her hand was still warm, a comforting warmth. The buildings of the university were starting to cloud my view as I neared them. Upon entering the dorm hall, I directed my steps toward the stairs, not feeling in a mood for elevator's music. I walked up the endless steps toward my dorm, feeling no fatigue at all. The hall was quiet and deserted, common to the first week of classes. I opened the door and closed it behind me, unwilling to open it again for the days to come. I placed my bag on the corner and unzipped the luggage containing my quilt and pillow, I felt weary and exhausted.
I took off my shoes and pushed opened the curtains of the windows, allowing the moonlight to stream into the dark room. I allow the light to bathe me as I changed to my sleeping garments. I was not hungry, I only wanted to lie in bed and force myself to sleep, hoping that in the process my mind would be cleared of all doubts regarding my present state of mind... and my sexuality.
I dropped in the bed and buried my face in the pillow, giving myself in to silent pondering. I will not cry. When did the feeling of uncertainty made me weak? I had never doubt throughout my life and this was not the greatest of time to start. I wonder about Sasha and what her personal life must be like, she was probably happily married, though I didn't see a ring on her. Then she probably had a gorgeous boyfriend who treats her well and she doesn't even have this feelings toward me. What was I saying?!
Nobody has feelings toward me and neither will I have them toward them! I turned in bed and tossed the quilt over my body, covering my head with it. For some minutes it felt cold, but then warmth subdued the cold. I closed my eyes and focused on trying to rid my mind from the images of Sasha. I forced my mind to create images of me kissing a guy but that disgusted me so I stopped. I never had a boyfriend or even felt something for a guy other than loath and wariness. I have witnessed what they can do to girls if they fall deeply in love with them. They didn't understand how we girls sometimes suffer because of them. One of my classmate had a boyfriend who beat her up every night, but now it had ended. I know she happily lives with her new girlfriend.
My parents rant about my classmate sexuality, condemning her as amoral and having a lack of sense, because of them, the school was forced to expelled her for inciting improper behaviour in a private school. More shame was thrown to me, I skulked around school with my head down trying to avoid gazes full of contempt.
I pulled out my ipod, apparently I cannot go through one single night in peace and silence. I plugged the earphones in my ear and start the loud noises that fills my mind with delight.
Did I love her? I have no idea, I wished for the contrary. But then, why did I think of her all the time? Why did I created scenarios of meeting her again in my head? I was so confused, I was not myself anymore and worst of all, I wasn't looking forward to meeting her again for next class.
My mind drifted into a deep slumber, waiting for the touch of the sun to wake me up and battle the next day.