Everything I Touch Crumbles To Dust

"What can you do when your good isn't good enough, when all that you touch tumbles down"

I turned seventeen, great I know, I can drive now and so on and it's a year till I can get the tattoo that I want. I thought that seventeen, almost adult, my life my be fitting together and sorting itself out. Only three days later, I lost one huge part of it and the next I realised that another two had gone up in a puff of smoke as well. So seventeen, It's not that great really, overrated actually. Wow, I can drive. (Off a cliff would be nice)

"You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter, you are the best thing that's ever been mine"

Wednesday, I lost the best thing that had ever been mine. I sort of knew I suppose that it wouldn't last but it still hurt. She was my everything, and now there is nothing. We just fell apart, slowly at first and then quickly. I miss her, having a girlfriend to text when I'm down, to hold when I was lonely or cold and to love. Now I'm lonely and cold and nobody is there and this is so self pitying its sick. 

"My best intentions keep making a mess of things, just want to fix it somehow"

So on Thursday (one day later) it was one of my good friends birthday party, and after the day I had on Wednesday I was really tempted to cancel. I wasn't feeling great and I knew that certain people would be going and I wasn't sure what to make of them now, as neither were going to drop of the face of the planet, and both did. So I went and yeah big mistake.

"Cos I got time while she got freedom, when a heart breaks it don't break even" 

I see her walk in and my heart breaks, I had to force a hug to be honest, It was my form of closure I suppose. It will be the last one from her I get probably. I stayed away most of the night, and focused my attentions on getting hammered instead. Apple Sourz, WKD, Pina Colada and some funny tasting liquor. It made the pain easier I suppose. Until I walk upstairs and she's ill and some part of my brain took over and the caring part of me reappeared. I was drunk, truth be told so camped upstairs with her. I felt sick and had a headache and don't remember what I said. It's never a good thing. She went home in the middle of the night and we haven't spoken since, not that we were really speaking before except an awkward exchange of sort of pleasantries in Aylesbury before half term, when I was going to shut it off but yet again she was in pain and I bottled out. I'm a coward really. I should get a grip. Its just she was my best friend and I don't understand the why of how we fell apart so easily. It all happened so quick ....

"Can I start again with my faith shaken? 'Cause I can't go back and undo this"

So that was one of them and the other one, was just painful. I think we spoke three words to each other. I don't understand how I could go from telling you almost everything to three words. You are still friends with her, and maybe that's my problem. I'm not them, I'm different and I don't fit with them any more , but they were my two best friends and I miss them and talking to them and just hanging around them. I just want to turn back time and find out where it went wrong, not to fix because it's unfixable, but just for some form of closure and so I can learn from my mistakes and make my life better in the future by not f*****g it up like I have this time. 

"Sometimes we've no choice to walk away, walk away"

And once that week of hell was over I realised something. All the stuff that I regret or that hurts me is because of one small group of people and I don't know if I can face that any more. Since Year Nine I have had so much pain generally centred around those people, or people that were there before that I don't think I can take any more. Maybe I've grown up, being seventeen and all that, or maybe I've finally realised with the help of Naomi and others that there is a better alternative to pain. But I realised my main problem was attachment, probably still is.

Because I don't want to play any more, all it makes you do is care too much and the more you care the more you have to lose. 



The End

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