Just thoughts about stuff really.
I have absolutely no idea what happened today...
I haven't spoken to my aunt (my dad's youngest sister, not the other one) for a couple of years as my father told me that she hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. I at the time being naive believed him. Idiot.
I honestly never expected to talk to her again, and I felt incredibly upset by this, out of all my father's family she is the only decent one, the one I could talk to about anything without feeling judged.
Funny how I felt drawn to going into a charity shop today in a back street in Bicester , I'd never even noticed it there before. I dragged my mum along, claiming there was a DVD I had seen in there, but truthfully i don't have a clue why I went in there, and then I heard her voice and I froze, turned a pale colour, paler than I am. The fear my father had instilled in me returned full force and I had a panic attack in the middle of a store, something I haven't done for a good 4 or 5 months.
It was a battle in my head. Will she have a go, she hates me. But a small part of me was thinking, no she doesn't hate you. I just stood there, practically hiding behind my grandmother, I must've looked like a right idiot.
But then she hugged me and told me that yes my father is her brother, but he's an idiot and I will always be her niece, no matter what happens. And that is the best thing I have heard in a long while. Because that was the hardest thing about my parents divorce. I didn't care about losing my father because it was honestly a waiting game until the day he buggered off, but I didn't want to lose my aunt, because she was my reminder that my grandmother, god rest her soul had at least one child that wasn't an idiot.
The rest of them, my other two aunt, my uncle and my father can go rot in hell as far as I'm concerned. Ever since my parents divorced they have not left us alone, whether that be horrible phone calls, trying to run us off the road or anything else horrible they can think of. I never understand why because my mum and I never did anything wrong, and of course blood is thicker than water, but today made me realise that they aren't all the same. I love my aunt, and I'm glad now that I can contact her again because I really need someone to talk to that's like a mum, a sister and a friend all rolled into one, and that's what she's always been and I don't care that she's related to my father because if she wasn't she wouldn't be related to me.
It's my father's birthday tomorrow and in the exact words of my aunt ... "and?" because I really couldn't care less.