Depression takes a full swing on my once and fleeting mania.
It's when my stream of consciousness refuses to move forward and gets me stuck on really dumb rituals. Checking to see I'm real, when that is the first thing that's given. Sleeping hours on end, forgetting all those dreams that I remember were so vivid, but can't seem to relive. Writer's block, when the backspace gets tapped by hesitant finger. Eyes watery not because of an overwhelming something, but just because I yawn a lot. When the bodily functions become tiresome and uncomfortable rather than natural and relieving. My foot hurts for no reason, again. Pain that just won't go away, and numbed sometimes only by boredom. Boredom, when everything seems not fun. That endless search on the web to find something to find and consume mindlessly. Listening to uptempo'ed jazz and feeling nothing but the clicking of keys on the keyboard that seem to only type dribble and rubbish.
Time to switch into journal entry time. I am volunteering soon, mostly to put something on my resume of nothing, and hopefully, and desperately, try to get into law school. I quit trying to become a teacher in high school because I remembered and re-realized that high school sucked, and being a prison guard to 18 and under brats would suck even harder.
My social life of no one but me is killing me fast and not softly at all. My only escape from my own company via Skype friends is not enough attention for me. I never thought I would become an attention whore, one that doesn't trick enough John's out of their 20 dollar bills.
Here's a poem.
I wish I can smoke weed again.
But the family's pain
and my despise for my past self righteous agony
will not allow me to be in harmony
with brain chemicals galore.
I want to snort one more time.
I want to feel that rush and high
that gets me on a ride
that sober just doesn't cut it.
And punch myself in the head
to make those obsessions go away
Away away away to where?
Here there and everywhere.
Actor, not reactor
Maybe a catalyst for greatness
But most of all
I ask for a lot.
I want you.