Dear Americans without Health Insurance,
This is Jesus Christ, your lord and personal savior. Remember me? Yes, that's right. I'm the one you talk to when you need something. Well, this wishy-washy attitude of yours is about to bite you in the butt, and if you get an infection from that bite, I want you to know that I'm not going to do my 'laying of the hands on the butt' trick to make it all better. You're on your own.
But really and truly, I do hope you are well, because if you aren't, you better start taking your vitamins and praying because my appointment book, you vulnerable little lambs o' my Daddy, is full. If you aren't one of the hard working individuals who work fulltime and have their health insurance paid for by their employers, then I can't see you--no ifs, ands,or butts. Get it, butts?
Seriously, times are tough all over, and you should understand that I've got to take care of the ones who do the praying and the paying first. If I don't take care of them, who else is going to take care of those who never learned how to take care of themselves? And you know, this most likely includes you. Don't you want me to take care of the paying praying lambs first, so they can take care of you? Of course, you do!
Let me make a connection for you, okay? I know you all know Santa Claus. Well, you should know that I'm wiser and more omniscient than he is, and I know you haven't been reading my good book and I also know you've been naughty. Heck, some of you don't even know what book I mean when I say 'good book' and that, my dear children, is a shame. Well, nowhere in the BIBLE (the good book you haven't been reading) does it say that I have to take care of all of you all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Santa Claus delivers toys to all the deserving children of the world whose parents work hard, and he can do this in one night, but I'm not Santa Claus, I'm Jesus, and I can't be everywhere all the time. Capiche?
So if you want to feel secure, put on your best clothes, smile pretty, and get a job with healthcare. Oh, and don't forget to say your prayers.
(Note: This is satire, folks. Jesus and I are on excellent terms, and he approves this tongue-in-cheek message! Of course, you and I know that he would never pick and choose, eh?)