Dear Microsoft Programmers,

You know that guy that none of you liked because you "never got him?".  Real weirdo, yeah, he was the guy that put together Windows 98 and then as a parting shot put together SE, just before he quit.  A little way of saying, "It can be done - just don't be idiots", I suspect.

You know why he did that?  I know why.  Because he was up for a raise, and the rest of you felt threatened and did what everybody does when they feel threatened - you made his life miserable, and so he left.  Betcha he's working for Google now.

So, you did what you had to do, and having really nothing to improve upon, made XP by turning his work blue.  Nice job.  Hey, we all have to justify our incomes somehow.

And then what had to happen, happened.  You were left to try to think of something new.  Something user friendly.  It really is a tough gambit - you don't want to make people feel like complete toddlers - but, heck you thought you'd give that a try anyways, with "Clippy" or whatever you called that _____ing ___ ____ing apparition of a paperclip who appeared in Microsoft Office and patronized users with his presence.  How many times did I have to send that caricature of a peyote trip packing on his bicycle?  And then off to extremes we go - we get rid of "Clippy Pops uptoomuch" and bring out Office 2007 with a fresh set of nothing. 

Here your thinking is, hey, designing a database or a spreadsheet - let's keep it minimalist...We'll just take out every tool bar, menu item and button in sight.  Wanna keep it simple?  Here, have a blank screen.  That was a joy - 10 years of learning off by heart, file edit,'s gone, all of it.  I understand - if we didn't like Clippy, then screw us!  No help whatsoever, if we're gonna be that way about it.

I think your job would likely be a lot easier if everyone would just take a few years studying a Bachelor of Computer Science.  Now, you sure drove that home with Vista.  Windows Vista Home Premium.  And how homey is it.  Well, I wouldn't call it Mom's Chicken Noodle Soup.  Maybe somewhere along the lines of "feels as homey as the inside of a Sherman Tank's transfer case."  Hey kids!  Call Ma and Pop your administrator and instead of House we can play, "LAN Support Help Team!".  What the ____ is wrong with you people? 

I think I have a few more ideas.  The Windows 98 guy was talking one day about how cool it'd be if you could actually manage your disks, shrink them, extend them - make drive C 10 gig larger and drive E ten gig lighter.

And you loved that idea so much that you just had to throw it in.  Well, or at least that menu option, which never worked, has never worked and will never work for anyone, because the guy's working for Google now!

Oh, I hear Windows 7 is just great.  What's another couple hundred bucks to make sure you good people have jobs.  Say hi to the "Spaces" development team for me!  And to the Bing designers?  Orange, huh?  Brilliant.

The End

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