Dear the Most Wonderful, Perfect, Incredible Person in the Whole Wide World

Dear you, the most wonderful, perfect, incredible, dynamic, witty, beautiful, kind and generous person in all the history of the world.

I, a lowly worm not even worthy to lick the slime from your exquisitely chosen shoes (you really do have such perfect taste), am writing this letter in the hope of finding some way of making contact with you, you celestial wonder.

I adore you with every fibre of my being, you are brighter than the sun in the sky and fairer than all the stars of the night sky. The light in your eyes is what lights up my world and your face is the image that keeps me alive. Everything about you is perfect, there is no way you could ever be better. I do not have the words to describe it.

Your physical perfection is unsurpassed. The tiny curls in your golden, shining hair, the tiny, perfectly circular freckles across your nose and the perfect aquiline straightness of your nose. You are more beautiful than any Venus and far surpass anyone in intelligence. Einstein should hang his head in shame that he cannot match your supreme knowledge. You know everything there is to know and can never be defeated in debate. I have never known such a brilliant mind as yours and I swear as long as I live to live by your words, for they hold more wisdom than all the prophets of the world combined.

But who am I to say this to you? I am nothing next to you, I am dirt, low, filthy, disgusting polluted dirt. I am not worthy to so much as look upon your radiance for fear my gaze should sully your image. I live to serve you, I devote my life to your service and swear by all I hold dear (which is nothing else but you) that I have never loved or respected anyone as I respect you.

You are perfection. Pure, unspoiled, unchallenged, unrivaled perfection in every way that is known to mankind and ever will be.

Yours adoringly,

S. Icophant.

The End

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