Dear Weather Forecaster,
Day after day I've been watching you eagerly, waiting for you to give me the news that I want. You stand there in your short dresses and low cut tops and smile as you deliver your wonderful update but, to be quite frank, you make me want to vomit.
"Temperatures are going to drop to about -14 degrees and people ARE advised not to attempt to travel..."
Honestly, like I'm going to be ABLE to travel when all you seem to forcast is snow, do you honestly think that me or even one fiftieth of the population of Ireland are going to attempt road travel in these conditions? Get a life!
I hate you so much right now. Where are you broadcasting from? Hawaii? How can you wear such skimpy outfits and smile happily while you talk about how many people have died due to weather conditions and how many people are without water or heat. You disgust me.
The worst thing is that everything you say will only be "a light sprinkling" is actually more like a torrential downpour.
Yes dear I understand that you're just doing your job but could you please be a little less arsey about it? You don't have to smile when you tell us the death toll due to people unprepared for this freak temperature drop. It makes you seem dense. Almost like you're repeating something that someone is saying to you without even thinking about it. I begin to wonder if you have an earpiece in your ear that your hair so conveniently covers or that you are, in fact, a robot.
Show a bit of emotion! Some compassion for those who sit shivering and wrapped in a multitude of blankets would be nice. Maybe you could wear some trousers because it is SO UNBELIEVABLY COLD out here in reality that we feel hypothermic looking at your (so obviously) fake tanned legs that you insist on baring to the viewers.
Do you know how long I've been stuck in this house thanks to your bloody weather forcasts? The pipes are close to freezing (I had to have a go at them with the hairdryer there the other day), we've run out of milk (which means no tea), I had to fill the upstairs tank BY HAND yesterday because there was a problem with the water mains, I'm running out of turf and firelighters, my boyfriend has run out of tobacco (do you know what that kind of thing can do to a relationship?) oh and did I mention there are SEVEN OF US IN THE HOUSE???
Yes, yes I know it's not your fault but it's your tough luck that we need someone to blame for this weather and since you're the one that signed up for the job a few years ago, you must deal with the fact that you will now recieve a tirade of abuse from people who think you're actually cursing us (we're Irish, we're aloud be superstitious) and want you to shutup with the horrible weather forecasts and send us something nice (everyone knows that the telly is magic, like I said before, we're superstitious, forecast sun and if it doesn't come we'll leave you alone and start blaming God).
I'm not one of the superstitious types but I will say this.
STOP FORCASTING SNOW ALREADY!! I'VE BEEN STUCK IN THIS HOUSE WITH THESE PEOPLE FOR TOO LONG AND IF I SNAP THEN I'M GOING TO BLAME YOU FOR INSTIGATING MURDER!!!
Miss "I am suffering from a severe case of cabin fever"