Perfectly Legal

Dear Mr. William Lief,

I would like to make an inquiry about the reasoning behind the actions you took on Tuesday. Not a day in my life have I spoken a foul word about your mother, or about your disabled sister, so I haven’t an idea in the slightest as to why you decided to say some of the things you did.

For starters, shooting my dog was a little much. He has been my faithful companion for twenty years -- I’ve only been sleeping with your wife for a quarter of that time. The flaming bag of feces you left on my porch may have been justified. I mean, I did kind of sell your car. But kidnapping my youngest child, Benny? That was a bit over the top. I had him with your ex-girlfriend, so that was completely legal.

I admit I should apologize for giving your cat to my next-door neighbor, but then again -- it’s more fun the hard way.

Sincerely yours,
Kendrick Hass

The End

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