Dear Sir / Madam / idiot
Please find enclosed, one slightly mutilated wooden live squirrel trap, with one sedated, addicted squirrel in it. I waited till you answered the doorbell, and I saw you take the box inside, so you can't say you didn't got my complaint.
I had squirrels in my attic, making a lot of noise, nesting in the insulation, and chewing holes in the corners of the roof that lets the rain get in. I bought one of your traps, and the squirrels are still up there doing all those things, but now they're laughing at me.
Your ad promised that the trap was made of specially treated wood that would withstand the teeth of anything short of a skill saw.
You lied. You not only lied, you cashed my cheque and you've ignored any other written complaints. You don't answer your phone, So I had no choice but to do something drastic. I hope you enjoy your squirrel.
If your product hadn't been so cheap, I would have bought a more sensible, and much more expensive wire mesh trap. As it is, I totally wasted my $6.75 on an over sized squirrel treat.
That's right, a squirrel treat. The squirrels could not only chew through your specially treated wooden trap, they chewed on it, in it, and on top of it. It seems that whatever the special treatment in the wood is, squirrels get addicted to it.
Do you know how hard it is to sleep with a frenzied squirrel orgy going on just above your head? It's impossible. I had to move into the spare bedroom in the basement. It's small, it's musty, and there's no electricity, but it's quiet.
I have since bought an expensive wire mesh trap and gotten rid of the rest of the squirrels. I have had the roof completely redone with metal roofing and stainless steel fascias.
I'm just sending you your trap back, because it doesn't work. I couldn't get the squirrel that's in it to come out. You better buy some peanuts. By the look of its belly, I think it's pregnant.
Regards, your former customer
F. Ed Upp