A collection of musings, written in different voices. Letters to those around me, characters in stories, or to the world in general..

To all those who loved me

I never liked being alone. But I guess, being the quiet type (mostly) it was inevitable that I would get left behind. Forgotten. You would all go and because I didn't say much, it would be a long time until I was missed. I hope you know that I meant every kind word I said and regret every harsh word more than you will ever know.

I often wonder-if I vanished, would you even notice? Would you miss me? Would you even care? I mean, its not like I was vibrant, or even cheery most of the time. But I really did try to be a good person. The one you can come to for a shoulder to cry on, someone to calm you down, someone to listen. Someone to trust. Someone strong. When you don't say much-what point is there spreading lies or causing trouble? Words are a weapon equal to any dagger or gun.. those that I did say I meant from the bottom of my heart. Those I couldn't.. well those get woven into stories, disguised into characters and are read by strangers (and some not) who never realise what they mean. So even some of the bad stuff has a place.

But even so, I still wondered. It's plain to see I tried my utmost to be a good person, a true friend in every way. Loving to the point of self-destruction, yeah, thats me. But no matter what, I always was wrong, I lost out, got brokenhearted. Shut out. So I wore those brokenhearted smiles, all the while thinking, how is this fair? I would have happily given my life for any of you, though I don't think you ever knew. I don't think you ever understood. I really did love you, even if it didn't always show. I guess I did something wrong.

I am poison
I am worthless
I am better off dead

I would do anything to make you happy. Honestly. I love you. Few of you say you love me back and I hope you will forgive me, but I cannot believe that. There is nothing to love.

I am poison

Better off without me. That is what you are trying to say when you leave me alone, staring at your backs. There was one... He destroyed me. I loved him more than anything once. I'm still healing now, exactly two months from when he left me broken. But one of you, you know who you are, you saved me. Saved my life. And I can never repay you for that, though I wish it were possible. I love him more than I thought humanly possible, but he doesn't see me. Not truly. He sees the mask, the 'good person' I struggle to be. And he has always loved another. Always. I have never been that girl. The one he wants. Now he is with another girl...and if he is as good as his word, he loves her only half as much as I do him. I wished he would open his eyes and see. But the years alone have finally broken me.

I am worthless

I cause pain, worry, hurt. I wear the mask of a 'good person' yet by doing so I cause more hurt than I ever could otherwise. I try so hard to be good and never can succeed. I am a cancer, draining happiness. Draining the love of the people around me. Constanly failing, falling into the abyss.

I am better off dead

So this is the final goodbye. I don't want to leave you, but in time, you will come to see that this is a mercy, my final (and single) act of goodness. This is the best way for everyone. There will be less pain on all sides...and you will all have someone to help you through. You won't have to suffer alone. I have never been first in any of your lives. Therefore, you can survive to endure and be happier without me. I ask only that you take care of each other and know that I leave only for you. I love you too much to keep hurting you this way. I am sorry to have to hurt you this one last time.

Please be happy.
I always loved you all and still do.

All my love,

H. Doughty

The End

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