There was a lot to Jaimie. I didn't know. First he'd started having sex at fourteen! I mean that was very very young. I'd only slept with four people in my whole life from the age of seventeen.
"Wow..." I breathed out finally. Jaimie sat quietly waiting for me to gather myself. Once I had I reached out softly stroking his cheek. I was starting to feel a warmth bloom in my chest. A deep sense of connection now Jaimie had shared that all with me. I lent in and kissed him. A long soft kiss that I hoped expressed the warmth of feeling that had bloomed within me. "Thank you"
"I've never told anyone this much" he whispered to me. I gently moved myself into his lap and rested my forehead gently against his. My fingers tangled into his hair twirling it around them as we sat there in silence for a few moments. Jaimie let out a gentle sigh. "What about you?"
"You. I know nothing about you past"
I look away as a coldness curls around my heart. Dark shadows seep into my mind carrying bad memories. "Its not important" I say then wince at how hypocrytical my words are but I can't think about the past. I can't.
Especially now when I cant cloud my mind with alcohol. Still Jaimie presses on. I can't blame him. I made him pour his heart out to me. "It is to me. Just a little bit?"
"No" I say clenching my fists and closing my eyes against the threatening tears.
"Okay" Jaimie whispers backing off. It's too late though. Dark memories have rose to the surface flickering over the back of my eyelids replaying the horror. I feel Jaimie's hand on my cheek. It doesn't help though and his words are just mumbled background noise.
"You're such a failure, Robin!"
I feel a weight drag me down locking me in. No. No. I can't let it. I start to struggle. There's fire. I can't stay here. I have to move. Have to get out. The thing releases me and my eyes flash open. I'm not in the car but I feel like it. My skin still feels like its burning. My lungs still feel like they're clogged so I have to breath quickly. I need air. I need it.
There was blood so much blood. I can't help it. I start to scream hiding my face hoping to get away from the blood it needs to go away. Its everywhere. All over my hands thick and sticky. Its on my clothes. In my hair. Its everywhere. It's their blood. Oh god, its there blood. No, it couldn't be their blood.
I'm okay so they have to be to. No wonder my brother hated me after. How could I live when they died? I was useless pathetic. I had deserved to die in that car. Not them. For heavens sake not then. My screams faded out into sobs. Hard heavy sobs that racked my body.
"Rollar" Jaimie's voice cracks through. A soft sound that should be reassuring. Nothing can be reassuring. Not after that. I curled in on myself trying to become as small as possible become as insignificant as I was.
Jamie pulled me into his arms but I kept crying. "Why them?" I thought aloud. "Why not me?"
And these hallucinations. These memories were exactly why I never stayed sober or never ever looked back.