I managed to eventually calm down and rationalise everything, thinking things through. It took at least a week though. I'd lost count of the days I'd spent in the hotel room.
What did I really feel for Rollar? That was the question wasn't it... I hadn't heard anything from anyone since my night with Kyle, so I assumed he'd kept his promise and not said anything.
I didn't really remember the steps I'd taken to standing outside the house, staring up at it. I was still deliberating between going in and just leaving again. Was I ready for this? Was I ready to face Rollar, and Kyle as well? I just knew that Rody was going to bite my head off, probably literally.
I took a deep breath and took a step towards the house. Then another. And another, slowly making my way towards the front door.
The door, however, had other ideas; it burst open, revealing Rollar stood there. She was wearing a too-large, baggy t-shirt and loose trousers that dragged along the floor. Her hair was the mess it always was, but this time it was different...
I met her eyes and her gaze dropped to the floor. I was waiting for a reaction, for anything. To be honest, I was waiting for a slap, or something. She just stood there staring at me.
I moved a little closer to the house and she stepped back, the hurt obvious in her eyes.
"Rollar..." I breathed.
"Where have you been?" she asked softly.
"At a hotel. I just... I just needed to think things through," I replied.
After a pause, she said, "It's cold out here."
She turned and went back inside. After a moment, I followed her to the kitchen.
She was making herself a coffee, dropping her eyes when she had to pass me. I'd never felt like more of a stranger in my own house. Well, our house, but I lived there.
"I'm sorry, Rollar," I said quietly.
"For what? You didn't do anything wrong," she said, still avoiding my eyes.
"I ran. I shouldn't have," I whispered.
She shrugged, cradling the mug between her hands and staring down into it as though it held the answer to all life's questions. I moved towards her a little. She glanced up at me so I moved slightly closer.
"What are you doing?" she asked with a frown.
I had to think about my answer. What was I doing?
"I... I need to hold you, if you'll let me," I said to her honestly.
"Who have you slept with?" she demanded.
I wondered about lying before answering her. I didn't want to lie anymore. "Honestly?"
"I know you have, because when you haven't you walk differently," she said quietly, looking into the cup she still held in her hands. "Not that it matters. We aren't a couple, or anything. You made that clear by running out on me."
"Oh, Rollar, I'm sorry. I need to say something, as long as you're willing to hear it."
"You're not sorry. You wouldn't of gone and slept with Kyle if you were sorry"
"How do you know?" I asked.
"He came home, smelling of you. I didn't know for certain until you confirmed it just now," she answered.
I ran a hand through my hair. "That was a spur of the moment decision, though. I've had time to think about things since then, and the way I feel."
"Don't, Jaimie," she said sharply, clenching the cup between her hands. "Don't play with me."
"I'm not though; I'm not playing. I don't want to play anymore," I whispered.
I saw a tear fall into the mug.
"I love you, Rollar," I said, surprising both of us.
She put her cup down and ran off. I contemplated going after her but didn't. She obviously didn't want to be around me.
I sighed and went to my room, shutting the door behind me. I dropped onto the bed and lay down. The whole bed - the mattress, the pillows, the duvet - smelt of her. I sighed again and sat up, putting my head in my hands, closing my eyes.
I didn't leave my room all day. If anyone wanted me, they could have come and got me.