I spent the first night back home thinking about how I could change to be better for Kyle. Obviously the drag had to stop, and the clothes would need to go. I had to find a way to enjoy being fucked that didn't involve getting high first. Maybe cutting down on the drugs wasn't enough. I wondered if I'd be able to stop them altogether.
Most people would probably ask themselves if doing this much for one person would be worth it, but I didn't need to. I shuddered a tiny bit as I thought about how much it had hurt when I woke up to that letter. I couldn't let that happen again, and I was fairly sure that the changes that were within my control were worth it.
The next day, while Kyle was at work, I put all the girly clothes I'd gotten in a bin bag and took them to a thrift store. After that, I went and got a haircut. Cody had neatened it up a little with his clippers while we were there so it was bearable, but he said he'd leave the rest to someone who knew what they were doing.
With the money I'd gotten from selling my clothes at the thrift store, I bought a recipe book so I could cook more things for Kyle when he came home from work. I was going to do my utmost to be the best for him that I could be.
When Kyle got home, I was busy trying out something from the new book. He wrapped his arms around me, snuggling me from behind.
"H'lo," I muttered, trying to stop the onions from sticking to the pan.
He kissed my neck. "Have a good day?" he asked. I nodded, smiling as he complimented the haircut.
"Thanks," I smiled. It was okay. I preferred it long, but I could live with it.
"It looks nicer short," he said, running a hand through it.
"Does it? I liked it long."
"Grow it out again then," he told me with a smile.
"I might leave it short," I shrugged, "if you like it that way."
"Have it how you want it, gorgeous." I nodded a little. I'd keep it short for him. He kissed my neck again and got himself a beer from the fridge, going to sit on the couch. It didn't take long to finish the curry I was cooking, and I joined him, handing him a plate, earning a smile from him.
"Sorry, I dunno if you really like curry, I just thought I'd try something new. I can stick a pizza in the oven if you don't want it," I said, pulling apart a lump of chicken and shoving it in my mouth.
"It's okay," he smiled, getting up and asking if I wanted a beer. I shook my head and he went to get himself another one. We sat and watched TV together while we ate, both of us eating the lot. After a while, Kyle was the one to break the silence. "You okay?" I nodded, smiling.
"You?" He nodded, not matching my smile. I tilted my head a little. "Sure?"
"Mhmm. Why wouldn't I be?"
I shrugged, "just making sure." Just hoping you weren't changing your mind about giving me another chance. He pulled me into a cuddle and I snuggled into him, wondering if I was going to be plagued with this paranoia that I wasn't quite good enough, that I needed to be better until something else happened. He kissed the top of my head, smiling as the contact made me hum.
Our attention went back to the TV, but Kyle didn't seem to believe that I was okay. "You sure you're okay?" He asked when I was being quiet.
"What makes you think I'm not?" I replied. I mean, people don't usually talk over the TV, right?
"Just making sure," he told me with a shrug.
"I can talk if you'd rather. I just dunno what to talk about."
"It's okay," he assured me with a smile, but I wasn't so confident that it was okay. Did he want me to talk to him? He planted a little kiss on my lips, smiling when I kissed back. I put my head on his shoulder, and he kissed the top of it. "I saw you threw out all your girly stuff," he said after another long pause. I nodded, not taking my eyes off the TV. "How come?"
"Didn't want it anymore," I muttered, hoping I'd be able to just pull off saying that I'd changed my mind after being beat up. I just wanna be good enough for him.