When I woke up, I was alone in my room, my old squirrel plushie clenched against my chest. I rolled over to see if Kyle was around. All I saw was a folded up piece of paper lying on the chest of drawers with my name scrawled on it. I reached over and picked it up, flicking on a light to read it.
I really do love you and I'm so sorry I'm such an idiot. But... But I think we should stop seeing each other. You deserve so much better than me and I really hope you find whoever that is. Being with you was one of the best things in my life, but I don't think things are working out. I know you only let me top you to keep me happy, but in all honesty it just makes me feel guilty.
Anyway, you know I'm not very good with words so I'm sorry if I sound like a dick. I don't mean to be. But I know we're not right for each other. You need someone that's patient and romantic and willing to let you do what you want and as hard as I've tried, I can't be that. I've tried so fucking hard because I love you so much, but I can't anymore. I feel like I'm lying to you by being what you need.
I'm so sorry, gorgeous, but you need to go out and find yourself someone better. There's probably a million and one people better than me so it shouldn't be that hard. I just want you to promise me that you'll move on.
I'll always love you.
The first time I read it, I cried. By the third time, the words hadn't changed and it felt like my life was imploding. I pulled my knees to my chest and screamed wordlessly at my pillow.
Cody came rushing up the stairs and burst into my room to see what was going on. He dropped to his knees beside my bed, pulling me into a tight hug.
"Where's Kyle?" I cried into his ear, probably deafening him in the process, "I want him, where is he?"
"He said he went for a walk, why?" I couldn't say anything. I couldn't do anything either. I just curled up on myself, crying and screaming for him to come back. Cody pried the letter from my fist and read it through quickly. He pushed my hair away from my forehead and planted a kiss on it, promising me he'd find Kyle.
I don't know how long he was gone for, but it can't have been too long. When I'd first curled up, I didn't think I'd ever want to move again, but waiting in my room wasn't making me feel any better, knowing he must have sat here while I was asleep writing that letter. I wanted to make him come back, at the very least say it to my face, to fight for him. But all I was capable of right then was being small and miserable and pathetic.
I trudged downstairs and pretty much fell onto the sofa, turning myself into a tiny little ball of bruises.
I heard the key in the door and waited for the worst. I looked up just as Kyle walked in, glancing at me. He bit his lip as the unstoppable tears began again, his eyes fixed on the floor.
"Why didn't you say you weren't happy?" I asked, my hoarse voice betraying all the screeching I'd been doing.
"I didn't want to upset you."
"Didn't..." I paused to sniff, and catch enough breath to get my words out, "didn't want to upset me?" He didn't say anything. "I'm not stupid, Kyle, I know you're not perfect. It hardly stopped me being happy with you." I sniffled some more.
"Sorry," he said.
"Weren't you happy? Wasn't I good enough? If... if it was the drag, I can stop that, it doesn't matter..."
"No, it wasn't you. Rayn, you were perfect. You are perfect." I could see Cody doing his best not to interrupt, but the desperate urge to say something was there in his eyes.
"I can be better," I begged, doing my best to disassociate the words with all those years spent saying the same thing to my dad. "I can be better for you, please." Cody sat down next to me, pulling me up into a hug. I started crying properly, then, pleading with him to take me back, promising him I'd make him happier. Cody just held me and did his best not to glare at Kyle.