I can't say I really want to do the whole open relationship thing again, because honestly I would really rather no one got in his pants besides me. But aside from knowing he's with someone potentially a lot better for him than me, who's really losing out here? We can both shag other, more available people, and neither of us really has to feel bad about it.
I get back from the phone call, greeted by Nathan sat in my bunk, waiting for me.
"So what was that about?" He asks.
"I asked Kyle if he wanted to try being in an open relationship with me again," I tell him, sitting down next to him. He looks vaguely hopeful at that. "If he says yes, then until I get out, or until we go back to monogamy, I'm all yours, near enough." The glint of hope in his eyes grows and he wraps his arms around me. He might not be talking but I can practically hear him praying that Kyle agrees to it. He nervously pecks me on the lips and smiles. I hum, kissing back properly. He looks a little surprised by it, but that smile turns into a grin. I almost match it too, looking forward to being able to have a more functional relationship with someone.
We'll just ignore the huge part of me wishing that I could just be with Kyle.
Nathan waits almost impatiently for my visit from Kyle to find out what he thinks about the open relationship.
Kyle has his eyes on the floor when I'm walked over to the table. That can't be good, can it? I slip the guard his bribe and sit down next to him.
"Hey," he says quietly.
"Hey, gorgeous," I mutter.
"As good as they can be, I s'pose," I hold back a little sigh, "you?" He shrugs and I fall quiet, not really sure that I want to hear his decision anymore. Some irrational, selfish part of me wants him to deal with just waiting. I'd even give up what comfort I get from Nathan to keep him.
He stays quiet too. Guess I'm being left to break the awkward silence then.
"So, uh... Any thoughts...? On what I suggested?"
"Um..." I feel the awkwardness growing as I realise just how possessive my thoughts about him are getting. I do my best to keep it off my face but I can't really tell if it's working or not.
"I guess... I mean, if it's what you want, then..." I almost shake my head.
"I just hate knowing you're pretty much on your own. Like I said on the phone, I'm not keen, but I feel like I'm kind of denying you something when you should be the one making the choice, not me." He bites his lip. "I don't mean that to sound like it's all up to you, but I'll go with whatever makes you happiest."
"I'm..." He starts but doesn't get too far. C'mon, Kyle, I've had enough waiting to find out, just fucking say it.
He sighs, "I guess maybe it wouldn't hurt to try it, right?"
I nod, feeling a weird mix of relief and disappointment flooding through me. "Just tell Matt not to get too attached," I smile weakly, knowing the chances of him not getting attached are pretty low. He chuckles and I sigh a tiny bit. "Well if you wanna quit the open thing, just call me and let me know,yeah?"
He nods slightly, and I snuggle up to him, trying not to think about him cuddling up to watch TV with someone else I don't even know. I put my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes. He kisses the top of it.
"I love you so much," he says and I hum, holding him a little tighter.
"I love you too."