I felt bad after what I did with Nathan. I'm not going to lie about that. I felt bad for knowing I was doing it for myself, I felt bad because that would probably become another thing to not talk about with Kyle. I felt bad because even if it's talked about, it would be lied about.
I even felt bad because I know Nathan's gonna have the wrong idea about it and I've got another three and a half years in here with him.
I've gotta say though, the idea of having some kind of relationship beyond being just friends with him isn't exactly unappealing. It's not like me and Kyle can have real interaction while I'm still here. As much as I'd like to say being able to at least hold his hand and hug him again is helping, I feel like I've just got here all over again. Saying goodbye hurts just that little bit more again.
I wake up snuggled in Nathan's arms on that tiny little bed like I'd been asleep with Kyle. He's already awake, and smiles a little as he sees me open my eyes and look at him. I can't keep that I've-just-woken-up-where-the-fuck-am-I? look off my face and his smile drops just a teeny bit. Enough to make me feel kinda bad for looking at him like he's the wrong person. I mean, he is, but I didn't need to remind him, really.
"We've still got half an hour before the wake up call," he says quietly and I nod, more focussed on trying to figure out if this kinda weird feeling is me wanting to get out of bed and get ready early, or if I want to stay here and snooze with him.
I end up going with staying in bed with him, and though I probably should have laid there regretting that choice, I feel comfortable. In fact I'm probably the happiest I've been since being put in jail. You'd have thought being able to hug and kiss Kyle would have made me happier. Apparently having a shag I actually properly enjoyed made me happier.
Doing my best to keep away the guilt, I listen out for the guards on wake up duty, not looking forward to the abuse we're clearly going to get for being laid like this.
"I should get up in my bed," I smile weakly. Nathan nods, understanding, but I don't really move. I press my head against his chest and he holds me a little tighter.
"Y'know it's your visit day today," he says after a couple of minutes. I nod slightly, feeling my heart sinking just that little bit further than it already has.
I bribe the guards as usual to turn a blind eye to the whole hugging and snugglyness of my visit from Kyle. He was as snuggly and huggy as usual, but I couldn't help but notice that he was kind of quiet.
"What's wrong?" I ask, a little worried.
"Huh? Oh, nothing."
I peck him on the cheek, "you can tell me anything, gorgeous," I remind him quietly with a tiny frown. He gives me a small smile. Well, that's totally reassured me there. I hold back a little sigh, wrapping my arms around him. He rests his head on my shoulder and I kiss the top of it, earning myself a hum from him. I don't really say much to him, just listening to him letting out these little sighs every now and then. I'm busy trying to think of a way to get whatever's on his mind out of him, but I can see the clock out of the corner of my eye and I'm kind of running out of time to get him to tell me, really.
"C'mon, gorgeous, what's on your mind?" I murmur, running my hand through his hair.
It takes him a while to say anything to me, and I can't help looking at the clock every few seconds, watching my time with him slipping away.
"I'm so fucking sorry," he says.
"Why?" I ask a little hesitantly, suddenly not so sure that I want to know.
"I slept with Matt," he tells me, just as the guard taps me on the shoulder, telling us the time is up. I stare at him in shock as I'm pulled up from my seat, my hands cuffed behind me. "I love you. I'm so fucking sorry, gorgeous." I blink, trying to process what he said before that, but I don't get a chance, really, given that I'm practically being dragged away by the guard.