I held Damien’s hand as we headed for the park. I know it’s not exactly the most romantic of places to go but at least it was somewhere we could be on our own. Damien held onto my hand a little too tightly but I didn’t really mind. I was just happy to have some time alone with him without Phil hanging around. We headed for the swings once we reached the park. I was kind of upset when there was more than one swing free but I managed not to let it show. Damien sat on one of the swings and I sat next to him, swinging a little without taking my feet off the ground. I stared at my feet though I felt Damien’s eyes on me.
"You okay?" he asked after a little while.
I looked at him, sort of gesturing for him to come sit on my lap when he looked back at me. I huggled him from behind and he hugged back as best as he could.
"I miss you" I said quietly
"Miss me?"he asked, a tiny bit confused.
"I miss your smile"
"I still smile"
"Not like you used to. I miss the smile from when we were first going out"
He leant his head on my shoulder and sighed a little. "Have I changed?" he looked up at me, his head still on my shoulder. *looks up at him* "I mean, I know I say you have and that Phil has, but have I?"
"I... I don't know"
"How's my smile changed? What's different about it?"
"It used to be happier"
We fell into our usual silence and Damien shut his eyes. I cuddled him a little more and he snuggled up to me a little.
"I... I'm thinking about going to see Campbell..." I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
Damien opened his eyes. "What for?"
"Well we both know I'm paranoid..."
"How're you planning on paying for it?"
"I'll get my money back from Graham or something" I said with a shrug.
He planted a baby kiss on my neck and I tilted my head, humming as he kissed there again.
He sighed slightly. "It's not like being paranoid about Phil makes you crazy. He is a bit..."
He shrugged. "Just saying you've got reason to be paranoid. I don't see why you'd need to go back there"
"That's... comforting... I think"
"Don't go away anywhere, will you?" he said, cuddling me a little tighter and looking at his feet.
What’s that s’posed to mean? "Huh?"
Damien said nothing. Don’t freeze up on me, gorgeous.
"What d'you mean?"
"Just don't go anywhere"
I chuckled a little. "Where d'you think I'd go?"
"I dunno. Away" he shut his eyes again, burying his head in my neck.
“What's brought all this on?" I asked, absently playing with his hair.
"Phil went away 'cause he wanted to get better. I don't want to stop you from getting better too, just don't abandon me like he did" he said quietly.
"I'm not going anywhere, gorgeous"
I hummed as he nuzzled my neck.
"I wouldn't leave you like that"
He nodded a little. "I know. Sorry"
"Don't apologise" I smiled.
"I didn't mean to make it sound like I thought you'd do the same"
"Damien, it's okay" I chuckled.
He flashed me a smile, trying to make it look like the smile he used to give me. Bless him. I pressed my lips to his, kissing him softly and he matched the pressure of it.
"I love you so much, Damien"
"I love you too"
"I want you to be happy again"
His hand moved up to play with my hair. "I'm fairly sure you know how to make that happen"
"Um..." I said, a little embarrassed. I knew he’d told me how, I just couldn’t remember. Everything since the drugs started and a little before was just kind of like a haze in my mind.
Damien looked at me and I looked down at my feet, feeling like I’d let him down.
"Or I was fairly sure..."
"Sorry" I mumbled and he sighed.
I bit my lip. Fuck, he must hate me now. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut about the whole thing. I mean, is a smile really that important? Like he said, he still smiled. I should’ve just sucked it up and learnt to live with the new smile.
"I stopped being happy when you started whoring yourself out" he sort of whispered and I bit my lip more.
"I'd say it's okay, but it's not really, is it?"
I shook my head a little and he leant his head on my shoulder.
"You want my smile back. I want you back"
"I'm trying, gorgeous" He was quiet. Please believe me, Damien. "I really am"
I didn’t know what to say or do so I just hugged him. He hugged back kind of tight and I nuzzled him a little. He hummed and I couldn’t help but smile. In a way, this reminded me of how we used to be. The cuddle wouldn’t have been as tight and it wouldn’t have been for comfort, but it still reminded me in this weird way of how we were when we first got together. We made it through all the shit with Danny, how was this getting the better of us?
Damien looked at me as I got up. I kept my face blank, bending down a little and picking him up so his hips were against my stomach. I smiled more at his surprised face.
"Where're we going?" he asked and I smirked, carrying him off into the distance, planting small kisses on his chest as I walked.