How would it make me happy? It’d make me happy to see you smiling for once. The way you used to smile. It’d make me happy to see you with someone who can take care of you. It’d make me happy to see you with someone who isn’t a failure. But if I say any of this, you’ll just fight me on it.
So I kept quiet. Damien cuddled me a little more and I smiled slightly, figuring out a way to say what I was thinking without giving him too much room to fight.
"I'm not important, I just want you to be happy"
He played with my hair as he spoke. "It's important to me, gorgeous"
I pressed my lips to his in a small kiss, earning myself a kiss back.
"I'll be happy as long as you're happy"
"We should get clean" he mumbled, snuggling up to me a little.
I sort of nodded and he glanced up at me a little.
"Want a hit?"
I bit my lip. Wasn’t that what caused all this shit in the first place? It’d been hell but I’d managed well enough without anything while I was in hospital. Thankfully they hadn’t had to do any blood tests so they’d just assumed I was drunk and not high on smack. Damien shivered slightly as he got up, wandering off to get his gear. He made up a hit for himself on the floor by the couch and I watched him, still biting down on my lip. He glanced up at me.
"Want me to make you some or not?"
I shook my head slightly, trying desperately to convince myself that I didn’t need it. My brain was screaming out for me to give in and lose my mind with Damien. But if we were gonna get clean...
I watched Damien shoot up, sighing a little. I played with his hair as he slouched against the couch, humming.
"M'sorry. Love you" he mumbled.
"Love you too" I whispered.
He tilted his head back to look up at me, smiling. I smiled back and he clambered onto the couch, kissing me slightly. I kissed back, enjoying being with him again.
"You forgive me for being such a fuck up, right?"
I nodded. I could never hold it against you, gorgeous. You mean too much to me for that. He hummed.
"You're too good for me" he smiled.
"I'm really not, gorgeous"
He played with my hair and I hummed, cuddling back when his arms wrapped around me. He kept mumbling that he loved me, and I couldn’t help but smile. I could believe him when he was high so why did I have so much trouble believing him when he was sober? I heard the front door open and cloe and glanced at Phil as he walked in.
"He okay?" he asked with a slight smile.
"I'll leave you to it, then" he said, turning and heading for the stairs.
"Wait, I want to speak to you"
He turned back and I almost lost my nerve.
"How would you feel about... Um... About an open relationship..."
"An open relationship?" he frowned slightly.
"Me, you and him. Well, me and him and you and him"
He looked at Damien cuddled up with me. "I guess it'd be worth a shot. So long as he's okay with it"
"He didn't really say..."
"Ask him when he's sober?"
I nodded, playing with Damien’s hair a little.
"Anything else?" Phil asked with a tiny smile.
I shrugged, not being able to think of anything, and he nodded, heading upstairs. I stayed cuddled up with Damien, playing with his hair til he fell asleep. I felt myself start to drift off after a while, still absently playing his hair. I woke up a few hours later, around the same time as Damien.
"Hey" I said.
"Did I wake you up?"
"No" I smiled and he hummed.
“Let's go to bed"
I kissed the top of his head. "Sure"
He just about managed to get up and I helped him upstairs. He leant his head on my shoulder as we made our way to the bedroom. I arched an eyebrow slightly when I saw Phil sat at Damien’s desk, printing something on the laptop.
"Sorry, I'll be done in a bit" he said, looking round at us.
Damien flopped on the bed, snuggling his pillow and I smiled, sitting down on the bed. Phil watched as he wriggled around til he was curled up around my waist. I hummed as he fell asleep. Phil closed the laptop, apparently done with whatever he’d been printing.
"I'll leave you guys to it" he smiled.
I smiled back. "You don't have to, y'know"
He shrugged. "Thought me being around made you uneasy or something"
"I'm beyond caring, to be honest. We both know he'd be better off with you but he's too stubborn to see it" I chuckled.
"How many times do I need to point out that that doesn't matter to him?" he said with a slight smile. "He doesn't really give a shit if something's good for him or not - of he wants it, he'll do his best to get it"
I smiled and he sighed a little.
"Such a stubborn little prick"
I laughed and he sat on the bed, stroking Damien’s hair. I watched him, feeling a tiny pang of jealousy in my chest. Damien stirred a little, resting his head on Phil’s lap. I felt the corners of my mouth tug down a little at that but I guess I’d have to get used to it if we were gonna try the whole open relationship thing. Phil was quiet, still stroking Damien’s hair. I shut my eyes, opening them again as I heard Phil kiss Damien’s cheek.
"I'll be back in a couple hours. Make sure he doesn't stop breathing - it's been a bit hit and miss since, well y'know" he said with a slight smile, getting up and leaving.
I hummed as Damien nuzzled up to my side. He woke up enough to make me lie down with him, leaning his head on my chest.
"Love you, beautiful” I said, wrapping him in a cuddle.
"Love you too, gorgeous” he mumbled sleepily.
I cuddled him a little more, earning myself a sleepy hum. I shut my eyes, listening to Damien’s steady breathing til I drifted off to sleep.