Does Phil make me happy?
Yes, but in a totally different way to how Kyle makes me happy. At least, he used to make me happy. Now I'm lucky if I feel more than a warm tingle for him. I mean, I still care for him, but he's changed. I've fucked him over - it's my fault and I know that, but he's just not the guy I fell in love with anymore. He's a whore and a drug addict and that's what I've done to him. I feel like I'm losing him somehow.
So I guess I probably should've said yes, Phil makes me happy. I want Kyle, but I can barely even look at him and not have my head filled with imagined scenarios of him with the creeps that pay to use him. I don't have to worry about where Phil's lips have been or whether he's picked up any STDs off someone that screwed him. I can't imagine you get much sex in rehab.
"I don't know what to do," Kyle's mumbled words kind of bring me back to the real world, and I look at him. "I hate seeing you like this."
"Like what?" I thought being a depressed fuck up was pretty average for me.
"Like this." I sigh a little. Thanks for really clearing that up there, Kyle. I close my eyes when he doesn't say anything, feeling his arms tighten around me a bit more. "I'm no good for you."
"I know that," I mutter, opening my eyes again. "Doesn't stop me from wanting you, though." He lets out a sigh at that. I stay quiet. Y'know, some people might have thought he'd be happy that I still want him over Phil. He lets go of me a little bit, and no matter how hard I try to keep my disappointment at it hidden, I can still feel my lips twisting downward a little. "Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not breaking up with you or anything." I'm that obvious, huh? "I just..."
He pauses, "I know about you and Phil."
"What, you figured out I got a comfort fuck last night?" It's not like we were expecting you back or anything. He gives me a little nod.
"I'm not mad or anything."
"Yeah well, like I said, you're the one I want, not him. A comfort fuck was all it was ever gonna be." And we both know that. At least, I hope we do, or that could get awkward. We both fall silent, neither of us entirely sure what to say or do next. I mean, I could beg for they Kyle I wanted to run away with to come back, but what good would that do, really?
He sighs a little bit and I push myself up a little bit, cuddling him. He cuddles back, but it's kind of tainted by the words coming out of his mouth. "You'd be so much better off with him, Damien."
"There wouldn't be much point though, if all I want while I'm with him is you."
"What if..." Kyle, stop trailing off mid sentence and just say whatever it is that's on your mind. I shoot him a questioning look, but he shakes his head slightly.
"What if what?"
"Well, I mean, he wants you... And you want me..." I arch my eyebrow, not seeing where this is heading. He sighs a little. "I want you to be happy." Well there's the catch right there. I can't be happy with you, and I can't be entirely happy with Phil either. I put my head on his shoulder. "I want Phil to be happy too."
"That's all great and good, Kyle, but how am I supposed to be happy with him when it's not him I actually want?"
"Be with both of us..." he mumbles.
"But how would that make you happy?" I ask quietly, "I want you to be happy too."