I didn’t get much sleep that night. As the buzz from the heroin washed out of my system, I started wondering why Phil was snuggled up to Damien as well as me. But then a few minutes after I remembered inviting him into the snuggle because I felt bad for the guy. It wasn’t his fault all this was happening, I shouldn’t take it out on him.
Damien was still asleep and Phil was still snuggled up to him. My paranoia started to kick in and I cuddled Damien a little possessively, causing Phil to open an eye. I buried my head in Damien’s chest and Phil closed the eye he’d opened. We stayed like that for a while, my hold on Damien getting slightly more possessive with each passing minute. Damien woke up eventually and seemed a little confused by all the cuddling and possessiveness so I let go of him slightly, trying to relax my hug. He got up, fucking off to go pee and I rolled onto my back. Phil gave the tiniest of sighs, sitting up. I turned my head, looking at him.
“What?” he asked, glancing at me.
“Want anything to eat?”
I shook my head. “No thanks”
Phil got up, disappearing off to the kitchen and I turned my head back, staring at the ceiling. I didn’t look as Damien came back, sitting on the bed with me. I wouldn’t mind being a ceiling. At least ceilings don’t have to worry about all this “life” shit.
“You okay?” Damien asked when I didn’t stop staring at the ceiling.
He snuggled up to me and I leant down, kissing the top of his head. He hummed, tangling his fingers in my hair. I hummed a little and he smiled at me.
“I love you”
“Love you too” I smiled back.
“Reckon you’re gonna have much work to do today?” he asked, trying to be all calm about it.
I shrugged a little. “Don’t think Graham had much lined up for me”
He was quiet, burying his head in my chest.
“Sorry, gorgeous” I said quietly.
“It’s okay. It’s just hard getting used to”
I gave him a baby of a kiss, trying my best to hide how hurt I was when he didn’t quite kiss back. Apparently I didn’t do a good enough job of hiding it, though, since a slight sad expression snuck onto Damien’s beautiful face. He apologised and I smiled a little.
He sniffled a little, leaning his head on my shoulder. I looked at him, cuddling him a little more when I saw he was trying his best not to cry. He sniffled, managing to pull himself together. I ran a hand through his hair and he traced my lips with a finger, the sad expression still on his face.
“Don’t be sad, gorgeous”
“It’s hard not to be when I can’t help but remember where your lips have been” he whispered.
“I really am sorry, gorgeous” I said, a sad expression sliding onto my own face.
“It’s okay. It’s your choice – I can’t stop you. I just can’t seem to stop it from hurting either”
I bit my lip at his words. I knew it was hurting him but... how much? He closed his eyes, snuggling up to me again.
“I wanna go back to sleep”
The two of us just lay there, trying to get to sleep and, in my case at least, trying to shake off the guilty feeling building up in my stomach. Damien opened his eyes eventually, giving up on the sleeping thing.
“I’m gonna go score some weed”
I nodded slightly and he looked in his wallet, asking if I had any money. I nodded, pulling some cash out of my pocket and handing it to him. He thanked me and went off to go get his weed. Phil wandered up once he’d gone.
“Where’s Damien going?”
“To get some weed” I said quietly.
He looked at me, frowning slightly. “What’s wrong?”
It was obvious he didn’t believe me but I didn’t care.
“Right. You can talk to me about stuff... if you want. I’ll be downstairs” he said, and left.
I wandered downstairs after a few minutes of self-loathing and whatnot, sniffling to draw Phil’s attention away from doing chores with Damien’s mom. I looked down at the floor when he looked over at me.
“The sky” I said, laughing weakly.
He chuckled slightly, putting whatever cleaning product he’d been using down. I kept my gaze on the floor as he ushered me back upstairs, sitting on the bed while I stayed stood up.
“What’s got you down then? Apart from gravity”
“Everything that’s been happening lately”
He gestured for me to sit on the bed as he spoke. “I’m no good for advice, I’m afraid, but if all you need is someone to just listen or a shoulder to cry on, I’m all yours” he said with a baby of a smile.
I sat down next to him, sniffling. “Being a whore’s hurting him but I need the money”
“I know” he sighed.
I looked at the floor. He must think I’m such an asshole. Such a failure. I don’t even know the guy and he could probably tell I’m nothing but a fuck up just by looking at me.
“I don’t know what to suggest. If it’s just the drugs, I’d suggest rehab, but you really have to want to be clean for it to be worth it”
I said nothing and he shrugged slightly.
“To be honest, he’ll probably get over it sooner than you think. He loves you enough”
“He shouldn’t have to get over it, though”
“Yeah well whether he has time to get over it or not is up to you”
I arched an eyebrow at him. What was he trying to say? That I should leave him or...?
“I’m talking about getting another job, Kyle, not leaving him or anything. I’m sure there are other jobs that pay well”
“Where’s gonna hire me, though? I haven’t been to school in weeks, I’d been failing for months. I haven’t exactly got any skills, either”
“There’s gotta be something out there. I’m s’posed to be looking for jobs as part of my recovery – we could look together, if you want?”
I nodded slightly. I may not be fond of the guy but at least he was helping to make me feel a little better. He smiled slightly.
“Guess I should go quit then, huh?”
“Probably” Probably? Why only probably? Why not a solid yes or no?
I sighed slightly, not entirely pleased with his answer, and got up. He watched me and I hesitated.
“What?” I asked when he looked at me.
He shrugged, arching an eyebrow when I still didn’t move. I couldn’t quit. Graham supplied me with everything I needed for fucking a few people a night.
I sighed. “Because Graham keeps my money so I can’t buy drugs myself. If I sever all ties with him, I’m fucked.
I whined at the look on his face. It’s fine for you, your parents cared. My Mom hasn’t spoken to me since I was in hospital. My Dad hasn’t spoken to me since I ran away. They don’t fucking care what happens to me.
“Well, Rayn’s never had any problems with money – you could ask him to help you out, I guess”
I sighed slightly. I didn’t want to have to depend on Rayn all the time. To be honest, I felt kind of awkward asking him for stuff. “I guess”
“I mean, the sooner you sort it out, the better. What if Graham got arrested? What would you do then?”
I shrugged. I don’t know what I’d do. I guess try and get into the office and get my money? Unless they’d take the money. Then I’d be well and truly fucked.
“If you won’t quit to stop Damien crying himself to sleep every night, then what’s it gonna take you?” he asked, sounding a little upset and a little pissed off.
I bit my lip, earning myself nothing but a glare. I bit my lip even more, barely reacting as I broke the skin with my teeth. The taste of blood filled my mouth but I kept my teeth clamped down on my bottom lip.
“Sort yourself out, Kyle, if not for your own sake, then Damien’s, ‘cause for some reason the idiot’s fallen in love with you” he said, getting up and storming off.