Damien: beginning to wonderMature

"You wanted a hug," Phil says, explaining why I've woken up in his arms on the floor. "And then you wouldn't let go once you'd fallen asleep." I shuffle away from him a little, rubbing my eyes. He watches me kinda sadly. "When're you gonna give up the drugs, Damien?" I shrug and get up, taking a shower by myself for the first time in weeks.  

I don't have any studio work today, so while I'm in the shower, spending more time picking scabs than I am washing, I kind of wonder how I'm going to fill the day. I guess avoiding going anywhere would be a start. I think I still have a guitar. I can play that. Or watch TV. Or watch TV with Phil? He's been more like a carer than a friend recently, so I guess maybe spending time with him that doesn't involve shouting or him forcing me to do something would be a good idea.

I quietly suggest it to him once I'm out of the shower, watching him look for clean clothes for me. He stops and looks at me, smiling.

"No shouting at me for anything today?" he asks. I shake my head and his smile widens. "Sure."


It feels nice not fighting with him for once. Maybe that's the joint I had before we came downstairs speaking, but whatever. I get the feeling he wants to cuddle, but I don't really want to, and he seems happy enough to leave me be.

Some time into the afternoon, there's a knock on the door. A few moments later, Kyle walks in, his eyes on the floor. 

"M'sorry," he mumbles, his eyes still on the floor.

"If you're gonna apologise to me, you can at least look me in the eye when you say it." He looks at me, his apology even mumblier than before. I hold up my arms, and he shuffles over, giving me the most awkward hug ever. I want a fucking snuggle, dammit. After what feels like an age, he complies and I pull him down, letting him get comfy before I snuggle up to him.

I fix my eyes back on the TV, but I can't help noticing that Kyle's not really watching it. I snuggle against him more when I notice him scratching his arm a little. He buries his head in my neck, but keeps up the scratching.

"Please stop it," I whisper, kissing the top of his head.

"It's itchy," he whines a little.

"Just don't end up hurting yourself." He gives me a tiny nod and at least tries to stop scratching. I play with his hair, wishing I knew how to make him stop.

He hums. "I'll try not to be so much of a dick, as well." My lips pull up in a smile, but while Kyle's shifting to get more comfy, Phil gets up and walks out. "He didn't have to go," he says, watching Phil leave.

"He's jealous," I say quietly.

"Seriously?" he asks, laughing a little.

"First night he came back he told me he'd come here to ask if he could have another chance." He stays quiet, and I kinda feel bad for Phil, really. He didn't have to stay when it became obvious that I wasn't gonna get back with him, even though at the time I was single. But he did.

"What... What did you say?" he asks quietly.

"I didn't have to say anything. Rayn'd told him what happened and he said he knew it was unreasonable."

"But what would you have said?"

"I'd have said no." I don't know why you need to ask me that, Kyle. I think if me and Phil were gonna get back together it'd have happened by now. He plants a small kiss on my lips that I return.

Is it bad that I'm beginning to wonder, though? I mean, obviously I love Kyle, but you don't just lose all feelings you ever had for someone and go right back to being friends. It just doesn't happen like that.

Does it?


The End

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