I heard Damien sobbing my name into the night as I walked off. Why does he keep doing it to me? Every time I’m stupid enough to believe that he loves me, I find him with someone else. Was I not enough for him or something? I mean, sure, I was hurting him by being a whore, but with the money I made, we could happily mooch around in a drug-fuelled stupor for a long time. I found myself heading for Rayn again. I was becoming almost as dependant on him as I was the drugs I was being fed on a nightly basis. I made my way to the motel I knew he was staying at, knocking on every door til I found his.
He opened the door and looked at me, obviously stoned. "Where's Damien?"
"Fucking that bitch"
"Oh" he said with this little cheery face, "come in, I have drugs"
I stepped inside, silently pleading to skip the formalities and just give me something to take the hurt away.
"What'll it be tonight?"
"Whatever'll fucking kill me"
"Chill, sexy. He's probably just too high to know what's going on"
"I don't care. I've had enough"
"Have a little sympathy for the guy, Kyle. You did leave him just after he tried to commit suicide" he said, looking up from prepping a heroin needle for me.
I pulled out the sulky face, knowing he was right.
"Give him time, sexy, and maybe let him have a few less drugs" he chuckled, handing me the needle.
"Can't do it myself" I said sulkily.
He showed me how but I just kept sulking. I mean, sure, I paid attention to what he was doing and I could probably manage it by myself but I didn’t want to. I wanted to sulk my way into oblivion. Rayn rolled his eyes, injecting it for me and I shut my eyes, feeling everything get a little fuzzy round the edges. Rayn chattered on about random shit and I tried not to listen, not having the heart to tell him to shut the fuck up. I think I heard someone knock on the door but I was too busy zoning out of life to know if it was real or not. I heard it again but still didn’t move.
"Open the door you useless emo faggot, Rayn!"
I opened an eye, instantly annoyed by the owner of the voice. Annie. Rayn opened the door and I saw her stood in the doorway carrying Damien. Which was when she spotted me.
"I believe this is yours" she said, dropping him on the floor next to me and leaving.
I glanced at him, shutting my eyes again. Rayn moved him to the bed, lying down with him. I opened my eyes after a while, watching as Rayn fell asleep with his head on Damien’s shoulder. Neither of them stirred as I slipped out of the room.
The next day passed in a blur. I’d managed to find a dealer and was pretty fucking awesome at injecting now. I hadn’t exactly been taking loads, just enough to stave off the withdrawal and stop me feeling anything other than fucking awesome. I think I made out with a stranger at some point. I wasn’t even aware of what was going on til the evening. Apparently I’d inherited a hat at some point as it was resting on top of my face while I tried to get some sleep on a park bench. I was half asleep and considering going off and finding some weed to help me that little extra step when I heard Damien shouting my name. Oh, maybe that’s why I can’t get to sleep. I shifted a little, trying to block it out but he started shouting.
"Shudup" I mumbled. Some of us are trying to sleep.
"Shut it" I said a little louder when he shouted again.
He shouted louder, closer than before. Oh for fuck’s sake.
"Oh my God, shut the fuck up already!"
"Kyle?" he asked, walking over to me.
"What?" I asked, keeping the hat on my face.
"Why're you out here? I've been looking for you since the tranqs wore off"
"I'm sorry about what happened last night"
I said nothing, still trying to get to sleep.
"A-Annie said... she said that she wanted to make you hurt for what you did to me. She cut my coke with tranqs so she could do it. I didn't know what was happening..." he trailed off awkwardly.
I shrugged slightly and he sighed.
"Got any weed?"
"Not on me"
I sighed. Useless boy.
"I have some coke left over from last night, but I'm not sure that's such a good idea..."
I shook my head a little. I don’t need coke. He was quiet and I dug around in my pocket, handing him some money.
"Be a doll and go get me some"
He hesitated little bit before giving in and doing as I’d asked. Not that I really asked but y’know. I was awake again by the time he got back and, well, that simply wouldn’t do. He sat on the ground next to the bench, rolling a joint in silence.
"Fuck" I mumbled, dropping my hat.
Damien picked it up, looking at me. I glanced at him. No matter how annoyed I was with him, he had a pretty face.
"I don't want this to be us. I don't want us to only be able to stand being around each other because we're both high" he said quietly.
"Nothing" he said, lighting the joint he’d been rolling.
I stared up at the sky while he smoked the weed that I fucking paid for.
He passed it to me and I started getting all sleepy again as the drug worked its magic. He stole it back from me and I shut my eyes.
"I love you" he said.
I let out a hum, trying to pick up the energy to tell him I loved him too. Next thing I knew, he’d handed me the rest of the joint.
"I love you, but this is useless. I need some smack" he got up, "I'll see you whenever you feel like I'm worth talking to again"
I was asleep before I could tell him to stay.