Of course I wasn’t going back. I’d sleep on the streets if I had to, just so long as I didn’t have to hear Damien lying about loving me again. Nobody bothered me at work. Graham did try and convince me to be his whore a couple times but gave up when he realised he was getting nowhere. They could all tell something was up and Cindy even patted me on the back, asking if I was so emo looking because of my crazy boyfriend. Sweetie, you don’t know the half of it. My shift dragged on and by the end of it, Cindy had returned to her bitchy state and informed me if I wanted a ride home I’d have to get it from someone else. I didn’t mind, I wasn’t going home. I stood around outside the diner, wondering where to go when the bully types from school appeared. I could smell the alcohol on them a mile off.
"Isn't that the fag?" one of them slurred.
I was too emo to care.
They laughed as they strode over to me. I flinched as one of them grabbed my hair.
"It is the faggot boy. You not been at school. We missed you so much"
I said nothing, not really all the concerned as to whether they missed me.
*"You look like such a whore, just hanging around outside like this. Is that what you are now? A little faggoty whore?"
"M'not” I said quietly but they just laughed.
"Sure, sure. And I'm not straight"
I looked down at the ground, wishing they’d just fuck off.
"Can't believe that Damien prick turned you into such a little manwhore. How much d'you charge?" one of them laughed.
"I'm not a whore"
"You look like one. I can't imagine your crackhead boyfriend is too good in the sack. Is that why you're hanging around out here? You're not even charging, you're just that desperate"
“Just fuck off" I said weakly but they were too busy laughing to hear me.
They threw me to the ground and I stayed there. There was no point putting up a fight, they’d just kick my ass even more. I curled up as they started kicking the crap out of me, doing my best the shield my internal organs from the blows cause, y’know, internal organs are kind of important. They kept kicking me til they got bored and wandered off, leaving me bleeding on the ground outside the diner. I didn’t even bother picking myself up. I spent the night curled up on the sidewalk in pain.
"What happened to you?" Damien asked, a shocked look on his face.
I didn’t blame him. He’d come down to see me after school was over and... Well, I hadn’t exactly had a chance to wash the blood off my face. And what with sleeping rough, I hadn’t had a chance to change into a shirt that didn’t have blood on it.
"Nothing" I said quietly.
"That doesn't look like nothing to me"
I shrugged slightly.
"Are you coming home tonight?"
I shrugged again.
"What did I do?" he asked quietly.
"I feel like I have"
"Was there something you wanted?" I asked after the both of us were quiet for a while.
"To see my boyfriend, but that's clearly completely unreasonable. Call me if you need me, yeah?" he said, leaving.
"Sorry" I mumbled.
"It's fine, I get it, I'm too much of a fuck up for you to deal with. You can stay at the apartment - I'll go back to mom's place"
He looked at me and I bit my lip. I didn’t want him to go, I just wanted him to stop lying to me. He looked down at the ground.
"I'll be home when I'm ready, gorgeous"
He didn’t react and I didn’t know what to say.
"I love you" he said quietly, walking off again.
He stopped again and I cuddled him slightly. He cuddled back and I sniffled. He played with my hair absently and I sniffled again.
"I love you so much" he whispered. The words cut through me like a knife.
"Stop it" I said quietly and he pulled back a little.
"Saying you love me"
"Why?" he asked, looking confused.
"Stop hurting my feelings like that"
"How am I hurting your feelings?"
I felt tears welling up and tried to hold them back but it wasn’t really working. Damien still had that confused look on his face.
"Just... Just tell me the truth"
An upset look crept in to mix with the confusion. "What, you think I'm lying when I say I love you?"
"I know you're lying"
"What?" he asked, a hurt look on his face instead.
"I figured it out, you can stop lying to me now"
"I'm not... I'm not lying"
I didn’t believe him.
"I'm not. Why would I?"
"Because I'm not Phil"
He looked confused again. "What the fuck has Phil got to do with anything?"
It was getting difficult to hold back the tears. Damien, I know about it, just tell me the truth.
"Seriously? You're like this because of fucking Phil? He's in another state, Kyle, he doesn't fucking care about me anymore, so why would I give a shit about him?"
Please, gorgeous, all I want is the truth.
"I don't get into relationships with people I don't care about. I'm not that kinda guy. Why would you doubt that?"
"You mumble about him in your sleep" I said quietly.
"What, so anything I mumble about in my sleep instantly means I care about them more than you?"
I sniffled and he was silent.
"You called me Phil a couple days ago" I said quietly again.
"When was that?”
I shrugged. "I can't remember when exactly"
"I've never called you Phil"
"You have. It was the first fucking thing I heard that day"
"I don't think there's any way I could've ever confused you two"
"Well you fucking did" I said, a tiny bit grumpy.
I felt a hurt look creep onto my face and Damien just looked a mix between annoyed, confused and hurt. What did he have to be hurt about? At least I loved him.
"It was the day I went sick. We fucked, I had a nap and then you called me Phil" I said, thinking about it a little.
"I was fucking asleep !" he said, frustrated.
"And that's s'posed to make me feel better?"
"Well it wasn't you I was calling Phil, was it? Because I was asleep"
"Great, so you were dreaming about him instead. That's so much more comforting"
"Well if you can tell me a way to control what goes on in my head when I'm asleep, you're more than welcome to. Or fuck it, maybe I'll just avoid sleeping if something as uncontrollable as my dreams does this to you!"
I rolled my eyes. "Don't be fucking stupid"
"Says the one who thinks I'm lying about how I feel for you because I sometimes dream about someone other than you"
I scowled at him. I might as well just go find someone who’ll finish off what the bully types started last night.
"If I mumbled someone else's name in my sleep would you think I loved them too?" he asked.
"So what's the big deal about Phil then? He's just some other guy now, same as most people are"
I said nothing and he shook his head a little in disbelief. I scratched at my arm a little, not scratching hard enough to break the skin but enough to make it sting.
*"Stop it" Damien said.
"Why should I?"
"Because I love you, and I don't want you to hurt. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I dreamed about him, I'm sorry I yelled"
The hurt look crept onto my face again and the blatant lies in what he’d just said.
"I'm sorry. I won't say it again, if you don't want me to" he said quietly.
"It hurts when you say it, Damien"
I looked down at my feet and I could tell Damien didn’t know what to say.
"I should go" I said and he gave me the key to the apartment.
"Sleep there tonight, yeah? I'll go beg mom to let me back in"
I gave him a small smile. "You don't have to, I'm crashing at a friend's house" Hehe
"I'll come back when I'm ready"
He nodded slightly and I kissed his cheek, resisting the urge to bury my head in his neck and breathe in his oh so familiar scent.
"I lo- I'll see you around" he said, starting to tear up.
I fucked off after that but I had no idea where I was going.