I collapsed on the bed the second I got home. I’d had to take a cab since Cindy was still being a bitch and the driver had decided to be an absolute asshole and take me the longest route home. Jackass. I was out the second my head hit the pillow and for some reason, I dreamt of Damien. We were at the park for some reason, just sitting on the swings in the middle of the night. And then Phil appeared. Apparently telling Damien I loved him wasn’t enough because off he went with Phil, leaving me on my own in the dark.
“Damien?” I called out when I woke up on my own. Please God, let that have just been a dream. Please don’t tell me he’s left me.
“Yeah?” I heard from the kitchen.
I shuffled over, hugging him from behind like there was no tomorrow. “Bad dream”
He turned round in my arms, hugging me. I buried my head in his neck, breathing in his scent. He kissed the top of my head and went back to making waffles.
"I'm gonna call in sick again today" I mumbled.
"'Kay. I've gotta go to the studio today"
I hummed. Wecould still spend a little bit of time together though, right?
"It's all day though. Sorry"
"Oh. Okay" I said, the corners of my mouth twisting down/
He sat on the couch, eating his waffles and I sat next to him. I almost wanted to beg him to call in sick but that’d be selfish of me. So I kept shut about it.
"Do you know what time you'll be back?"
He shrugged. "Five maybe. I've got bar work as well at eight, 'cause Annie can't afford to give me any more time off"
I nodded slightly and he carried on eating. I didn’t touch the waffles he’d made for me. I knew I should’ve eaten them but I could feel myself starting to slip into the whole “I don’t deserve to eat” thing again. Maybe that was it. Maybe he thought I wasn’t skinny enough. Maybe he thought I was ugly. There had to be some reason behind it.
"Not hungry?" he asked and I shook my head.
He stole my waffles and I snuggled up to him, trying to make myself feel at least a tiny bit better. It didn’t work. I shut my eyes.
“Love you” I mumbled quietly.
Damien hummed and carried on eating. My mood and my heart sank when he didn’t say it back. That just proved I wasn’t being paranoid. He didn’t care. I swallowed the lump in my throat and shuffled into the bedroom to get changed out of my uniform.
"I gotta go, I'll see you later" came from the living room, followed by the sound of the front door closing.
I didn’t bother getting dressed beyond boxers. I was too busy crying. Yeah, I know, I’m a guy and I’m not supposed to cry but I fucking needed to. I slipped into the bathroom and stared at my pathetic reflection. I could be skinnier. I could be prettier with a little help. Would he love me again then? Did he ever love me? I just stood there staring, listing all the things that were wrong with me for at least an hour. How could anyone ever love someone like me? I curled up on the couch once I was done and didn’t move. The tears kept coming no matter how hard I tried to stop them and eventually I gave in.
I heard giggling coming from outside the front door and it sounded like someone was failing at getting their key in the lock. Had Damien finished work already? It felt like I’d only been crying on the couch for five minutes.
Damien giggled outside. "I fucking love you"
I felt myself start to cry more. Why would I not be surprised if he was out there with Phil?
"Rayn, get the door open"
Rayn got it open, laughing. Damien walked in, carrying Rayn bridal style though it looked like he could barely stand himself. I curled up a little more at the sight of it. He no doubt loved Rayn more than he loved me. He dropped Rayn, falling over, and the both of them burst out laughing. I glanced at them. Did they even fucking know I was there? Rayn kissed Damien so I guess not.
"I fucking love... everyone. I love Kyle" Damien slurred before passing out.
I sniffled. Ran played with Damien’s hair and I shut my eyes. I didn’t react when Rayn crawled over, climbing on top of me. He snuggled up to me and fell asleep while I just lay there crying. He woke up and wiped my face.
"Don't cry" he sort of mumble-slurred, giggling a little.
He wiped my face again when I kept crying.
"Get off” I mumbled but he was already asleep.
I wriggled away from him and locked myself in the bathroom. I didn’t want to be around them. Why would I? I mean, where did I fit in between the boyfriend who doesn’t love me and his junkie friend? Nowhere.
A few hours later someone tried to open the bathroom door. I sniffled an whoever it was ler out a groan, sort of knocking on the door.
"I gotta piss"
It was Damien. I did nothing. I said nothing. He sort of knocked again but I didn’t react.
"I need to piss” he said louder and I sniffled.
I unlocked the door and fucked off to the bedroom, not caring that he’d see the mess I’d made of my arm. Or the mess my arm had made on the bathroom floor, for that matter. He stumbled in to pee and I curled up on the bed.
"Fuck" I heard from the bathroom.
I sniffled and Damien came into the bedroom, grabbing my arm. "What the fuck did you do?"
I didn’t react. Isn’t it obvious what I did?
I sniffled and he sat on the bed with me, holding my hand.
"Why?" he asked again, on the verge of tears.
"Felt like it" I mumbled.
He lay down, wrapping me in a cuddle. I didn’t cuddle back. He was still on the verge of tears and I could tell he was sleepy.
"Go to sleep" I said blankly.
"I love you" he said, clinging to me a little.
"I know" Stop lying.
"I really, really fucking love you" he said, nearly asleep.
"Yeah..." Just not as much as you love Phil.
He moved his hand up to play with my hair just as he fell asleep. Maybe... Maybe I should just go.