I sat in silence in Campbell’s office. I wasn’t going to speak til he did. That was the deal I’d made myself when I agreed to see him. Part of me knew I needed help, but another part just wanted to end it all and be done with, no matter how much it’d fuck up Damien.
"D'you know why Damien asked you to come here today?" he asked after a while.
"Because I begged him to kill me" I answered quietly.
"Why did you beg him to kill you?"
"I don't wanna feel like this anymore"
"How do you feel?"
"Because I'm nothing but a worthless little whore" I said, a few tears slipping out at the memory of it.
He pushed a box of tissues forward. "Can you tell me what's made you feel like that?"
"I slept with a guy for money" I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt. I’d worn it to cover up the damage I’d done to my arm.
"What's happened since then?"
"I'm not eating. I keep throwing up. The only reason I got any sleep last night is 'cause I smoked some pot. Um..." I rubbed my scratched up arm a little, trying not to wince.
"How did Damien react?"
"He disappeared for a bit"
"What did you do while he was gone?"
"Threw up. Um..." I rubbed my arm again and he waited.
I bit my lip and rolled up my sleeve, revealing the raw, angry-looking flesh that was my arm. He nodded slightly. I just felt embarrassed.
He smiled slightly. "You don't need to be embarrassed. You can pull your sleeve down if you want to, though"
I did so at lightning speed. I wasn’t exactly proud of what I’d done.
"So how else has Damien reacted? Has he made any sort of indication that he thinks you're, in your words, 'disgusting'?"
I shook my head. "He keeps telling me he's forgiven me and that he loves me but I don't believe it. I mean, how could anyone love someone like me?"
"Why not? If he clearly cares enough about you to let it go"
"Because I don't deserve him"
"Why do you feel like you don't deserve him?"
"Because I fucking slept with someone else for money" I snapped, a little irritated.
"Would you go and get Damien, please?"
"I think this is something you need to work out with him"
I poked my head out of the door, and looked at Damien. He was sat staring at the wall, tears welled up in his eyes.
"Damien" I said quietly and he looked over.
I gestured for him to come in and sat back down. He walked in, sitting as well. Campbell looked at him.
"How're you feeling?" he asked Damien.
"Like... I dunno. Scared"
I glanced at him.
"I don’t wanna end up losing Kyle"
I bit my lip. Maybe... I mean, maybe he...
"How are your cravings right now?"
"Real bad. But I mean... If Kyle doesn’t wanna be around, what else do I have?" he asked, his face twisting into a sad expression.
I looked down at the floor. Maybe... Maybe he wasn’t lying when he said he loved me. I mean, for all I knew this could just be a huge lie and he was just using it as another opportunity to torture me. But maybe... Maybe I was willing to risk it. He meant everything to me. I know it’d hurt more if I believed him and he was just lying but... At least I could still be with him if I made myself believe it. At least I wouldn’t lose him completely.
"Anything you'd like to say to that, Kyle?"
“I still love you, Damien” I said, my eyes still on the floor.
“I love you too” he sniffled.
I still didn’t quite believe him but I didn’t let it show, hiding behind a tiny smile.
"He keeps trying to tell me that I don't love him though... I don't get it" he said to Campbell, the sad look still on his face.
"I just don't get how anyone could love someone like me"
Damien picked up a sharpie and started doing something on Campbell’s desk. I think he was just doodling or something.
"What do you think would convince you otherwise?" Campbell asked and I shrugged.
"A time machine? Something to stop me feeling like I wanna die?"
"Do you know what might make you stop feeling this way?"
I shrugged again. Wasn’t it his job to know that? I asked him.
"It's my job to help you figure it out"
I sighed a little. Damien was still doodling on the desk and Campbell handed him some paper. I kind of watched, an eyebrow arched a little, as he started drawing stick figures. My face fell when I saw they were of the two of us. Back before I fucked things up by being a little whore. He filled the page up til the figures were overlapping, sniffling.
He threw the pen down. "Sorry"
"Wait" I said when he tried to walk out.
He stopped and looked at me. I bit my lip but he did nothing.
"I don't wanna hurt him anymore" I said, turning to Campbell.
He looked at Damien. “"He's not hurting because of what you did"
I arched an eyebrow. What...? Damien slipped outside, almost in tears.
"It would seem to me that he's just afraid of losing you. Ultimately, it's your choice what you do, but it's fairly clear that you both care about each other a lot" Campbell said and I looked at the floor again.
"So help me"
“How would you like me to help you?”
“How should I know? Therapy. Pills. Whatever it takes”
He nodded. "Okay, well do you think you're okay to go home today, or would you like to stay here for a while?"
I shrugged. "What d'you think?" I’m not the one who knows whether I’m a risk to myself, am I?
"I'd be happier if I could keep an eye on you, but it's up to you"
"Can... Can Damien stay?"
“I’ll see what I can do”
“Thank you” I smiled.
He smiled back and I picked up Damien’s doodles.
"Can I take these?"
He nodded. "Of course"
I smiled slightly and he looked at the time.
"We've still got a few minutes. Is there anything else on your mind that you'd like to tell me about?”
I thought about it for a while. "I don't think so"
"Then you're free to go, if you wish"
I nodded, turning and heading for the waiting room. Please be out there, Damien.