To be honest, I shouldn't be glad my boyfriend got high. I mean, I know he's not as much of a fuck up as me, so he's probably less likely to end up addicted to anything he can get his hands on. But it was a fucking relief when he finally fell asleep.
I stay snuggled up to him when I wake up, just waiting with him to wake up too. I'm not expecting the weed to have suddenly made him feel less shit about everything, but a guy can dream, right?
Those dreams are kinda dashed, to say the least, when Kyle wakes up and stops snuggling with me. I look at him, wishing I could somehow make the sad expression on his face go away. I miss that smile. I mean his real smile, not the one he gave me last night while he was high. I kiss his cheek, hoping that, at the very least, we don't go back to how we were yesterday, with him begging me to kill him. His sad expression stays where it is and I sigh a little, playing with his hair as he curls up.
"Please kill me." I bite my lip and glance down at my arms as they tingle, the question apparently setting it off. I don't really remember doing that to them. I don't want to try to, either. I shake my head in answer to his question and start picking at the new, angry red lines all down my arms. "Please." That hopeless look in his eyes is horrible.
"Why?" Why should I destroy both our lives when this can be repaired? I forgive him - I get why he did it, but he doesn't seem to understand that.
"Because I can't stand feeling like this any longer." And how do you think I'll feel if I kill you? Do you really think I'd stick around after it? You can't tell me, Kyle, that you think my life would be worth living without you around. I know, I know, that sounds so melodramatic, but honestly, what have I got besides him? Some drugs, an apartment that I probably can't afford on my own and aside from becoming a murderer, I'd be alone. I know it's selfish, but I'm a waste of space without him there to tell me otherwise.
And I can't help feeling like it's my fault he's like this. If I hadn't gone out when he needed me, if we'd not gone past that diner, if we hadn't got caught when we ran away, if we hadn't decided to run away in the first place, if we hadn't chosen each other over Danny... the list is endless.
"Please. Just make it go away," he begs again when I say nothing.
"I don't know how to convince you that I love you. I've forgiven you Kyle - I don't know what else to do!"
He curls up further, so he's like a tiny ball on the bed next to me, "Make it stop."
"I don't know how, babe. I... I can take you to Campbell, if you want. He might be able to help." He gives me a tiny nod and I feel just a baby spark of hope somewhere in the back of my mind. I go get my phone and arrange an emergency appointment with Campbell for Kyle.
He doesn't move until it's time to go, and even then he only just about manages to drag himself out of the bed. We're silent on the way there, and I'm the first to break the silence, when we reach the waiting room.
"You want me to come in with you?"
"Up to you," he tells me. It's your session, babe, not mine. I peck him on the lips.
"Just come and get me if you want me, yeah? I'll be right here," I reply, sitting down on one of the plastic seats.