We stayed there for long enough that Damien curled up beside me and fell asleep. I couldn’t fall asleep, no matter how much I tried. I was beyond exhausted but some part of my brain was refusing to let me get the sleep I desperately needed. So I scratched at my arm instead. I scratched more as Damien started mumbling in his sleep about how much he loved me. I couldn’t take it. Each time he said it, it hurt more. Why did he have to keep leading me on like that? Couldn’t he tell it was tearing me apart? I silently begged for him to shut up but it didn’t work. I felt like crying when he tried to cuddle up to me. I shuffled a little further back but he just shuffled after me. Please, Damien, stop fucking with me like this. Just go. You’d be better off with someone else. Go find Phil and be happy with him.
I was staring at nothing particular when Damien half woke up. He cuddled up to me but I didn’t cuddle back. I couldn’t shuffle away from him, either, since I’d cornered myself against the wall. His face when he woke up fully was a picture. It said exactly what he was thinking; oh fuck, I fell asleep. I just kept staring at nothing. I didn’t feel like talking anymore. Who cared what I had to say, anyway? I was just another useless waste of space.
“Kyle?” Damien asked.
I kept staring.
He bit his lip. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you”
Why should he feel sorry about that?
Stop saying sorry. It’s me that should be saying that but I guess I can’t make up for being disgusting.
“Can I get you anything?”
I shook my head slightly, not taking my eyes off the blank space I was staring at. Damien lay there, a guilty look on his face. What did he have to be guilty about? He was fucking perfect. No matter how convinced he was that he was a fuck up, he was the perfect one. He looked at the floor and I kept staring.
"Y'know I forgive you, right?" he asked, glancing at me.
I didn’t do anything. I didn’t nod or shake my head. I didn’t even show any emotion. How could he forgive me? I’d always be disgusting. Always be worthless. And as long as he was with me, I’d drag him down. People would laugh at him for being with someone like me.
“Why?” I whispered quietly, breaking my silence momentarily.
"I love you. I hate seeing you like this"
I went back to my silence, a lump forming in my throat. Why did he keep saying that? Why did he want to hurt me so much? He pulled a kind of sad face and I felt my hand snake up to my arm, scratching slightly at the torn skin. He looked vaguely horrified but I kept doing it. Tears welled up in his eyes and I glanced at him, scratching slightly more. Please, Damien, don’t waste your tears. More tears and more scratching. Please, gorgeous, just go. He stopped me.
“Get off me” I said, my voice devoid of emotion.
"Sorry" he mumbled, letting go of me. "I'll just go"
I sniffled a little. I wanted him to go. But why did the thought of him leaving hurt so much more than him being there? He glanced at me and carried me to bed.
“Get some sleep, gorgeous"
"I can't" I whispered.
I stared at the wall.
"Please, just try" he sniffled.
I kept staring. Even the wall hated me or it wouldn’t be so ugly. Heh, who was I to talk?
"I'll be around til eight, when I need to go to work, okay?" Damien said, his hand in my hair.
I just kept staring at the wall. He hesitated before heading for the couch. I lay there, not making any noise and Damien stayed out of sight til it was time for him to go to work.
"I have to go. I'll be back as soon as I can, 'kay?"
I didn’t say anything.
He kissed my forehead. "Love you"
And with that, he was gone.
I let out a sob and curled in on myself, scratching at my arm again. I needed something to take the pain away. Something to distract me from how much I hated myself. Fuck it, I needed drugs.