I curled up on the bed once Damien left. I knew I shouldn’t have told him. I should’ve kept it to myself. Burnt the money. Put it in a savings account. Fucking given it back to the bastard. I fought back a wave of nausea and wrapped myself in the comforter, breathing in Damien’s scent. I was so exhausted. I hadn’t slept since the thing with Graham. I was starving but I couldn’t bring myself to eat. I’d just throw it up anyway. I was slipping into how I’d been all that time ago when Danny left me, before me and Damien got together. I couldn’t afford to lose him. He meant everything to me.
I’d risked some lunch. But Damien didn’t come back. And more than a few hours later, it resurfaced. I’d been stupid to even think Damien would come back. Why would he want to be with someone like me? Someone as worthless and disgusting as me. I slumped over the edge of the toilet, scratching viciously at my arm. My skin was already raw when I started and soon enough there was a slow trickle of blood running down my arm. I didn’t care. I deserved it. I scratched even harder when it stopped hurting.
"Kyle?" I heard Damien ask.
I kept scratching, forcing more blood out of my arm. He stopped me but I kept trying to scratch my arm. Why was he here taunting me? I deserved everything shit thing I got but it hurt too much having him here. It would’ve hurt less if he’d just stayed away. Or at least waited til I was at work before he came to clear out his stuff. I wouldn’t be surprised if he told me to leave. It was no less than I deserved, living in a motel like the whore I was.
"What're you doing?" he asked, sounding horrified.
I felt myself start to cry. Damien... Please, just go. Don’t pretend to be concerned about me. I tried to go back to scratching again but he still wouldn’t let me.
I shut my eyes and he hugged me kind of tight.
I didn’t hug back, too busy feeling sick at the contact. Please, just go. You’re killing me. He didn’t, though. He just kept hugging me. I tried to wriggle free and he let go, looking kind of sad about it. He rubbed my back as I threw up again. It was a challenge even bringing anything up, my stomach was that empty. I coughed as I tried to force something up. He disappeared, eventually coming back with a glass of water. I’d started scratching again the second he left the room, making my arm start bleeding again.
"Kyle, honey, please stop it" he said, getting a hold on my wrists.
"Get off me" I said, almost crying.
He let go of me, looking hurt and I scratched the fuck out of my arm. He bit his lip, wrapping a towel around my arm as I started bleeding even more. I whined, ignoring his silent plea for me to stop. I leant against the wall, not saying anything. Maybe if I stayed quiet enough he’d leave and stop torturing me like this.
"I shouldn't have walked out on you like that. I'm so sorry"
"I don't deserve you" I mumbled.
"Don't say that" he said, a little horrified.
"Why not? It's true"
"What makes you think that?" he asked, almost crying.
I buried my head in my hands. Isn’t it obvious?
I shook my head slightly.
"No you're not"
He shook his head.
"I am! I'm a disgusting, worthless excuse for a human being"
"You're not" he said, still about to cry.
Of course I’m not. That’s why I can’t seem to keep a relationship going. That’s why I slept with a guy for money.
Damien shuffled over to me, hesitating for some reason. I hugged my knees to my chest.
"You're not to me" he said quietly, "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me"
I still didn’t believe him and he cuddled me a little.
"I'm sorry I fucked off earlier. I shouldn't have. I'm sorry"
I was too busy hating myself to say anything.
"I love you"
"No you don't" I said quietly. So quietly I wasn’t even sure if he heard me.
He sniffled. "Hmm?"
"How could anyone love someone like me?"
"How could anyone not love you?" he asked, trying not to burst into tears.
"Well I don't find it very easy to not love you" he said quietly.
I didn’t react. Why should I? He was lying to me. I could think of a thousand reasons for someone not to love me. He cuddled me a little more, trying to cry as quietly as he could. Don’t waste your tears on someone like me, gorgeous. I winced slightly as I chewed on my lip, determined to make myself bleed.
"You'll make your lip bleed" he whispered.
He kept crying and I carried on chewing my lip, ignoring the thing trickle of blood that ran over my lip. He wiped it away and I kept on chewing. I shut my eyes as he cried more. He buried his head in my neck, mumbling a few times that he loved me. I didn’t react. I couldn’t react. I just wanted to curl up and scratch at my arm again.